It may be over two months away, but Halloween is approaching like a fast-moving train. Store shelves are filling up with Halloween candy whether you like it or not. This is a great time for limited edition and seasonal flavors. Unfortunately, it also means tons of candy corn. Candy corn are chewy, waxy sugar bombs that taste like shit.

Due to the fact that it’s gross, nobody really likes candy corn. Before you insist that you do, I challenge you to REALLY think about it. That’s what I thought… you don’t like candy corn. Thankfully, candy corn manufacturers have caught onto this and have started flavoring these disgusting fall treats to taste like anything and everything but candy corn.

Brach’s has gone nuts in this department. Today we will pitting four of these seasonal flavors against each other in a segment we’re calling “The Candy Corn Wars.” We’ll provide four short reviews, but only one candy corn can reign supreme and earn the title of “Least Offensive Candy Corn.”

Our four competitors are: Pumpkin Spice, Caramel Macchiato, S’mores, and Peanut Butter Cup. Let’s stop wasting your time and get this over with, since candy corn is awful. We’ll establish a baseline first: 

Regular Candy Corn Rating (Any Brand): 1 out of 10

Brach’s Pumpkin Spice Candy Corn

Are you really surprised to see Pumpkin Spice first? Hmm…These remind me vaguely of pumpkin spice. Just a horribly artificial version of it. Pumpkin spice products are best executed with real spices of cinnamon, nutmeg, ginger, clove, and allspice. Due to whatever psychotic technology it takes to make candy corn, I’m sure it’s pretty challenging to effectively use authentic spices in the candy-making process. At least no pumpkins died to produce this shit. While these are a disgrace to all things pumpkin, I still like these better than regular candy corn.

Chemically Engineered Pumpkin Spice Rating: 6.5 out of 10
“Ugh, Candy Corn” Rating: 8.5 out of 10
Overall Rating: 3.5 out of 10

Brach’s Caramel Macchiato Candy Corn

Next up: Caramel Macchiato. These are pretty tasty. Caramel is an easier flavor to execute by artificial means, and they did so fairly well. These deliver a big caramel punch when you first bite into them. I detect a little bit of coffee rounding out the flavor profile. They taste sort of creamy, which evokes some of that milky macchiato goodness. They still have that funky candy corn undertone, but it’s sufficiently suppressed by the bold flavors. I ate more of these than the pumpkin spice ones, and didn’t hate myself while doing so.

Makes You Temporarily Forget You’re Eating Candy Corn Rating: 7 out of 10
Exposes My Weakness Spelling “Macchiato” Properly Rating: 9.5 out of 10
Overall Rating: 6.5 out of 10

Brach’s S’mores Candy Corn

S’mores is our next combatant. These are extremely difficult to review. I like these more than regular candy corn, which I hate. But I’m going to be more critical here because they’re claiming to be S’mores. All I taste is a deep cocoa. If I’m going to torture myself eating any kind of candy corn (or every kind, in this case), I prefer Indian Corn because it prominently features chocolate. Therefore, it comes as no surprise that I like these more than regular candy corn. I just don’t taste any graham or marshmallow. None of it. These aren’t S’mores. These are fake chocolate garbage corn.

False Advertising Rating: 8 out of 10
Roasts Nicely Over a Campfire Rating: 2 out of 10 (Probably)
Overall Rating: 3 out of 10

Brach’s Peanut Butter Cup Candy Corn

Our final competitor is Brach’s newest variety: Peanut Butter Cup. These have a STRONG roasted peanut flavor that is better than anticipated. Yeah it’s totally artificial, but it shares plenty of similarities with the real thing. The peanut butter flavoring shines far more than the chocolate, but the two combine nicely. These make me completely forget that they’re candy corn… an amazing feat! I could eat a buttload of these, which is exactly what I’m doing right now. No, you won’t prefer these to regular Reese’s cups. Nobody expected that. But as a quick sugar fix, you might want to keep these in a jar at your desk. I would definitely come bother you constantly while you’re trying to get work done just to swipe some of these bad boys. You’d probably hate that, so I retract my recommendation to keep these at your desk.

The Best Candy Corn I’ve Ever Had Rating: 10 out of 10
How Much You’d Enjoy Me At Your Desk Rating: 1 out of 10
Overall Rating: 7 out of 10

There you have it. The final rankings are: 1) Peanut Butter Cup, 2) Caramel Macchiato, 3) Pumpkin Spice, 4) S’mores.

BONUS REVIEW

Brach’s Fruite Cremes Candy Corn

I found these Fruit Creme Candy Corn in the Halloween aisle and had never seen them before. They don’t fit the flavor profile of the other competitors, so let’s rank them against each very quickly.

Orange: Tastes like a Creamsicle! (7 out of 10)
Yellow: Very tart and delicious! (7.5 out of 10)
Grape: Doesn’t taste like Dimetapp and is shockingly my favorite (8 out of 10)
Pink: I expected more from Pink. Still tasty but my least favorite (6 out of 10)

Overall, these fruit creme candy corns were really delicious! Notice every rating is over 5, and I can say with confidence this is the first time a grape anything was my favorite.

Brach’s Fruit Creme Candy Corn Overall Rating: 7.125 out of 10 (Do the math)

DOUBLE BONUS REVIEW

Brach’s “Mouth Surprise” Candy Corn

In the spirit of adventure and (un)professional journalism, I felt obligated to cram one of every variety into my mouth at the same time.

Made Me Consider Shutting Down This Blog Rating: 7.5 out of 10
Somehow Manages To Only Taste Like Peanut Butter and Lemon Rating: 8.5 out of 10
Overall Rating: 3.5 Ambulances out of 10

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