Folks, I hate that I have to review Peeps today. There are only two conditions under which I crave Peeps: 1) On Easter morning, and 2) Out of a package that was partially opened three months prior. Unfortunately, the Peeps brand announced new Pumpkin Spice Peeps in early August and the world was set ablaze. Media outlets everywhere picked up the story. Since I am now an established professional with exactly 42 days of experience under my belt, I had little choice but to review these immediately for all my pumpkin spice psychopaths reading this blog. The announcement also included Candy Corn Peeps and Caramel Apple Peeps, but nobody cared.

Peeps aren’t really my thing. The bits of granulated sugar feel like thousands of miniature cavities that simply need to choose their destination on my teeth. They might as well come with a coupon for 20% off your next dental exam. I’ve found the specialty flavors to be poor at best, but people seem to love Peeps. To their credit, I can get on board with their experimentation as we’ve seen chocolate-covered Peeps, sour Peeps, Peeps milk, and an entire mess of other Peeps.

The new Pumpkin Spice Peeps tugged at my pumpkin heart strings. These are pumpkin spice flavored marshmallows dipped in white fudge. I bit the head off of one per protocol. Ugh. I don’t know what this is, but it’s not pumpkin spice. The ingredient list reveals that there aren’t any actual pumpkin pie spices; only natural and artificial flavors contribute to the flavor. The flavor is mild and a poor representation of pumpkin spice. Would it have been that difficult to use cinnamon, nutmeg, and ginger in the sugar blend? Apparently so, and these Peeps suffer as a result.

The white fudge was the best part about these “pumpkin spice” Peeps, and the fudge provides enough sweetness to let the subtle and disappointing spice flavoring poke through a bit more. I would tell you to pass on these, but I know you’ll buy them anyway. Personally, I’d like to see these Peeps strapped onto a pumpkin and launched away forever in the next Punkin Chunkin event.

Disgrace to All Things Pumpkin Rating: 7 out of 10
I Hate These Peeps Rating: 7 out of 10
Overall Rating: 3 out of 10

Next up are Candy Corn Peeps. I’ve documented my disdain for candy corn before, but have been pleased with many candy corn products offered thus far in 2015. These peeps have a HUGE candy corn aroma when opened. Like the Pumpkin Spice Peeps, they’re dipped in white fudge. I beheaded one of the peeps, and the flavor didn’t quite match the smell. I’m getting vanilla upfront with candy corn undertones. Eaten with the fudge, however, the candy corn flavor is enhanced. The white fudge introduces a smooth, creamy element that’s reminiscent of the sensation you get when eating waxy, sugary candy corn. I think they did a pretty darn good job with these all things considered, but I wouldn’t purchase Candy Corn Peeps again.

Looks Like Their Infested With Chickenpox Rating: 8.5 out of 10
Maybe I’m Coming Around on Candy Corn Rating: 4 out of 10
Overall Rating: 5.5 out of 10

Last but not least: Caramel Apple Peeps. These are apple-flavored Peeps dipped in caramel fudge. I put one of these Peeps through the guillotine that is my mouth, and the apple flavor is solid! The flavoring trends towards a sour or Granny Smith apple, and the tart fruit flavoring plays better with the marshmallow than the funky flavors in the previous two.

The caramel-flavored fudge base is a little strange. Note that it’s fudge with artificial caramel flavoring. If the bottom were straight caramel, I think we’d be on to something special. I may be nitpicking here. Peeps aren’t intended to be high-quality gourmet candy. The caramel fudge combines well with the green apple marshmallow, offering a nice Fall flavor profile. For the Peeps formula, these were pretty dope. Caramel Apple Peeps win this showdown for me.

Winner, Winner, Chicken Dinner Rating: 8 out of 10
Probablity I Sleep More Than a Few Hours After All This Sugar Rating: 20% out of 100%
Overall Rating: 6.5 out of 10