Growing up, Thomas’ English Muffins were a symbol of wealth to me. If I slept over your house and got one of these for breakfast, I likely assumed that you were a real Richie Rich: driving to school in your Power Wheels, always buying replacements for your lost/eaten Polly Pocket figurines, and maybe even owning a Super Nintendo. My family wasn’t poor, but it would be a cold day in coupon-clipping hell before my mom would buy the name-brand version of any food. She was more concerned with “feeding” her “children” rather than indulging in my desperate pleas for nooks and crannies.

So, even now as an adult, purchasing Thomas’ English Muffins gives me a sense of accomplishment and a rush of assurance that I’m on the right path with my life. It’s always a pleasure for me to buy these, which is why I was excited to try out the limited edition Apple Pie version.

The blurb boasts that these muffins will “warm your kitchen,” a claim that I decided to test. Here is my thermostat before I popped one of these into the toaster:

After 2-3 minutes, they were ready to eat. Amazingly, check out my updated thermostat temperature!

Well, whatever, I hadn’t planned on replacing my heating system with a bunch of muffins anyway. I got down to business and buttered the shit out of both sides. The smell wasn’t particularly special; there was some light cinnamon but not much else. Biting into it, I gotta admit that I was pretty disappointed. It’s basically just a cinnamon spiced English Muffin. Since it’s an English Muffin it’s still tasty in all the traditional ways, but I’d never in a million years land on “apple pie” as the flavor. The ingredients proudly list “REAL APPLES” (as opposed to what, I don’t know) but the fruitiness just ain’t there. Maybe if they had used a lighter touch with the cinnamon, then the subtle apple flavors would’ve come through? Ugh, who cares.

Eating these Apple Pie English Muffins still made me feel like a fancy duke, but it didn’t really elevate the experience in any new way. Skip this version and stick with the original English Muffins. And let me come over and use your Super Nintendo while you’re at it. I want to play Street Fighter 2. You can play too but you have to be Blanka every time.

Ability for These Muffins to Replace My Gas Heater Rating: 0 out of 10
How Awesome I Am At Street Fighter 2 Rating: 8.5 out of 10
Overall Rating: 4 out of 10