*Updated September 29, 2016: Trader Joe’s Pumpkin Pie Spice Cookie Butter has returned to store shelves! This product debuted last fall and is a special, special product. Please find our review from 2015 below and relive our excitement. This entire review was written when drunk.
When a faithful reader inboxed us a picture of the new Trader Joe’s Pumpkin Pie Spice Cookie Butter a few days ago, we nearly quit our day jobs to locate it. We called every single Trader Joe’s in a reasonable commuting distance (read: the continental United States of America) and were consistently told it would be stocked on Friday, September 24th.
“But, dammit! That’s GABF weekend! We’re going to be busy.” – Junk Male
“Not THAT busy…” –Drunk Female
And so we abandoned our friends who flew in from all over the country in order to review a jar of pumpkin diabetes for a modest amount of strangers. We couldn’t control ourselves and dug in on the drive home. Here are some direct quotes that followed:
“I feel like I just regained my virginity and then lost it.” ~ Junk Male
“This tastes like a gingerbread man had sex with a pumpkin.” ~ Drunk Female
“I want to write a song about this cookie butter and sing it to the Pope.“ ~ Junk Male
“It’s their pumpkin butter on crack.” ~ Drunk Female
“So this is what being the President of the United States tastes like.” ~ Junk Male
This is our first ever joint review. Trader Joe’s Pumpkin Pie Spice Cookie Butter features their Speculoos cookie butter base, but adds pumpkin puree, pumpkin powder, pumpkin flavor, and the pumpkin pie spice quinfecta – cinnamon, nutmeg, ginger, cloves, & allspice. It spreads creamier than peanut butter but has crushed up cookies in it. Read that sentence back and appreciate it for a minute.
This tastes like eating a gingerbread man that was completely enveloped in pumpkin pie. Now imagine being able to spread that on everything you eat for the rest of your life, which you will. We’re actively searching for a flaw in Trader Joe’s Pumpkin Pie Spice Cookie Butter, but we’re coming up empty. It’s not too sweet, allowing the potent pumpkin pie spices to reign supreme. It’s not too oily, allowing you to eat the entire jar without getting sick.* We just ate half a jar with a spoon and our fingers, and we may finish this baby off tonight.
Spread this Pumpkin Pie Spice Cookie Butter on your pancakes. Butter it on your muffins. Hell, butter it on yourself. Do whatever you want with it. You could apply this directly to a fistful of dirt, and it will be the best thing you’ve eaten all week. If we see Trader Joe anytime soon, we’re going to give him an enormous pumpkin-spiced hug and never let go.
Buy, buy, buy this product.
Pumpkin Butter on Crack Rating: 10 out of 10
How Well We Sang to the Pope Rating: 0.5 out of 10
Overall Rating: 10 out of 10
*Please stick to one or two serving sizes like a decent human being.
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