REVIEW: Trader Joe’s Pumpkin Pie Spice Cookie Butter

*Updated September 29, 2016: Trader Joe’s Pumpkin Pie Spice Cookie Butter has returned to store shelves! This product debuted last fall and is a special, special product. Please find our review from 2015 below and relive our excitement. This entire review was written when drunk.

When a faithful reader inboxed us a picture of the new Trader Joe’s Pumpkin Pie Spice Cookie Butter a few days ago, we nearly quit our day jobs to locate it. We called every single Trader Joe’s in a reasonable commuting distance (read: the continental United States of America) and were consistently told it would be stocked on Friday, September 24th.

But, dammit! That’s GABF weekend! We’re going to be busy.” – Junk Male
Not THAT busy…” –Drunk Female

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And so we abandoned our friends who flew in from all over the country in order to review a jar of pumpkin diabetes for a modest amount of strangers. We couldn’t control ourselves and dug in on the drive home. Here are some direct quotes that followed:

I feel like I just regained my virginity and then lost it.” ~ Junk Male
“This tastes like a gingerbread man had sex with a pumpkin.” ~ Drunk Female
I want to write a song about this cookie butter and sing it to the Pope. ~ Junk Male
It’s their pumpkin butter on crack.” ~ Drunk Female
So this is what being the President of the United States tastes like.”  ~ Junk Male

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This is our first ever joint review. Trader Joe’s Pumpkin Pie Spice Cookie Butter features their Speculoos cookie butter base, but adds pumpkin puree, pumpkin powder, pumpkin flavor, and the pumpkin pie spice quinfecta – cinnamon, nutmeg, ginger, cloves, & allspice. It spreads creamier than peanut butter but has crushed up cookies in it. Read that sentence back and appreciate it for a minute.

This tastes like eating a gingerbread man that was completely enveloped in pumpkin pie. Now imagine being able to spread that on everything you eat for the rest of your life, which you will. We’re actively searching for a flaw in Trader Joe’s Pumpkin Pie Spice Cookie Butter, but we’re coming up empty. It’s not too sweet, allowing the potent pumpkin pie spices to reign supreme. It’s not too oily, allowing you to eat the entire jar without getting sick.* We just ate half a jar with a spoon and our fingers, and we may finish this baby off tonight.

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Spread this Pumpkin Pie Spice Cookie Butter on your pancakes. Butter it on your muffins. Hell, butter it on yourself. Do whatever you want with it. You could apply this directly to a fistful of dirt, and it will be the best thing you’ve eaten all week. If we see Trader Joe anytime soon, we’re going to give him an enormous pumpkin-spiced hug and never let go.

Buy, buy, buy this product.

Pumpkin Butter on Crack Rating: 10 out of 10
How Well We Sang to the Pope Rating: 0.5 out of 10
Overall Rating: 10 out of 10

*Please stick to one or two serving sizes like a decent human being.

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9 Responses

  1. Wow!! So this overtakes the pumpkin power rankings?? And is it chunky? With actual cookie pieces? Just out of comparison how would you rate their normal cookie butter? I bet these would be really good on muffins or maybe even warmed a bit and drizzled on vanilla ice cream (or pumpkin ice cream :))

  2. Junk Male says:

    It’s filled with real cookie bits, like crunchy cookie butter. Actual cookie butter is probably an 8.5 easy. This is a 10. I will defend that rating until the end of time.

  3. Wow!! Have to try this stuff!!

  4. Maybe I’ll try making pumpkin pie spice cookie butter cookies!!

  5. Hayley says:

    Going to TJs on Monday and this is on my list!!! Great review! ??

  6. Hayley says:

    Oh no!!!! RIP Pumpkin Cookie Butter. 🙁 I actually went to Trader Joes today, bought a jar of the pumpkin cookie butter, a box of the ginger-pumpkin ice cream bites, Pumpkin pop tarts and the bread pudding. My cart looked ridiculous. Lol Can’t wait for that pumpkin cheat day. I might turn into an actual pumpkin and have to be rolled outta the house. ?

    • Junk Male says:

      Pumpkin cheat day sounds like a blast! Despite having the worst name on the planet, I’ve heard the ginger-pumpkin ice cream mouthfuls are insanely good! I haven’t tried their pop tarts or bread pudding, so you’ll have to keep us posted! I did pick up the Pumpkin O’s cereal, harvest salsa, pumpkin seed brittle, and pumpkin cranberry crisps. I guess we’ll both be pumpkins within a week.

  7. TheIcon says:

    Why does yours look so runny? It looks like the consistency of natural PB. Mine has always been thick almost like bean paste.

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