Confession time: I don’t fully understand marshmallows. Especially giant marshmallows. Do people snack on these things straight out of the bag? Here’s my scouting report on marshmallows:

1) Good in Lucky Charms.
2) Good in S’mores.
3) Good in Hot Chocolate.
4) Good in Rice Krispie Treats.
5) Good In Nothing Else.

Because I don’t typically eat children’s cereal, go camping to make S’mores, make Hot Chocolate year-round, or make Rice Krispie Treats ever, I’m only left with “Nothing Else.” I can’t recall a time I’ve craved marshmallows, but then there they were: “Pumpkin Spice Mallows.” These were in my cart before I even got to the word “Mallows.”


How adorable are these little pumpkins! Looks can be deceiving, people. These are dumb and I hate them. Dry, chalky, and terrible, these pumpkin spice marshmallows taste like cardboard. You’ll have to trust me on what cardboard tastes like.

Pumpkin spice flavoring is basically nada. Whatever flavoring they attempted to infuse clashes with the creamy marshmallow sweetness that I know is in there somewhere. The end result is a bland product with a funky, rubbery texture. I can’t emphasize enough how much I hate these marshmallows. Sorry, Kraft, but I think you can afford a little bad press from a mongoloid like me.

Now what the hell am I going to do with the remaining 90 marshmallows? Here are some things I tried:


I tried to make my own Pumpkin Lucky Charms using Pumpkin Puffins. But these marshmallows are gigantic and get in the way of everything. Terrible.


I tried roasting them over an open flame. I enjoyed this. Not because it improved their taste (it didn’t), but because I enjoyed watching these burn away forever.


I tried playing Jenga with them. This actually worked a lot better than I thought it would. I played Marshmallow Jenga for 45 minutes. By myself.


How Much I’d Rather Eat Pumpkin Spice Cardboard Rating: 9.5 out of 10
How Good I Am At Marshmallow Jenga Rating: 6 out of 10
Overall Rating: 1 out of 10


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10 Responses

  1. KeithS says:

    Marshmallows are not a snack food, they are a condiment. They are not meant to be eaten plain. Do marshmallows taste like cardboard or does cardboard taste like marshmallows?

    • Junk Male says:

      I think these were actually cardboard flavored marshmallows. I also think Kraft is trying desperately to make marshmallows relevant, and does market them somewhat like a snack food with giant pumpkin spice versions, gingerbread, candy corn, sugar cookie, etc. flavors. I’m with you though. They make a terrible snack.

  2. Yeah I second your opinion on marshmallows. they definitely are not a snack. It may be a younger palette preference to enjoy snacking on marshmallows. I don’t know…have you tried homemade marshmallows though? They really are a treat!

  3. Kaitlyn says:

    actually, i used to snack on marshmallows in high school and college 😉 i did buy these just because they said ‘pumpkin spice’ and i have to agree that they do not taste like pumpkin at all. i’m trying to use them up by putting them in my hot chocolate, but they really aren’t that great in there. maybe i’ll try to make some rice krispie treats with them? although, that would require more work that i feel like putting into using up these things.

    • Junk Male says:

      Hi Kaitlyn!

      Coming from somebody who used to eat Spaghetti-O’s straight out of the can in college, I am not judging! I think Pumpkin Spice Krispie Treats would be a great way to salvage these failure-mallows, but you would probably want to use some actual pumpkin pie spice in the recipe to boost the flavor. I do accept deliveries by the way. I can offer nothing in return.

      Thanks for reading!

  4. Kc says:

    Why bother to write a blog/comment/review on a product you had you mind set on as not meeting your expectation? Your begininning sentence already express negativity. While you have a right to your opinon…. Saying “I don’t fully understand marshmallows” seems suggest you already formed a bias opinion regarding the product.. When you taste test you should have an open mind and give the reader you unbias opinion.

    • Junk Male says:

      Hi Kc,

      I understand where you’re coming from. This blog is meant to be light-hearted at best; a seasoned food critic I am not. This is more of a comedy blog than anything else, but I understand this review was unnecessarily negative. We wanted to rank as many pumpkin products as we could on a scale of 1-10 this year. We’re up to over 40 reviews on our “Pumpkin Power Rankings” page, and you can see we generally rank more positively. Had it not been for this endeavor; I likely wouldn’t have bothered to publish such a “mean” review.

      Objectively, this was the worst pumpkin product I’ve had this year. The rest of the story and the tone of this review was meant to be consistent with the character I’m playing throughout my blog entries. Truth be told, I don’t hate marshmallows. I did not like these marshmallows at all, however. This was my least favorite pumpkin product by far. I assure you I have an open mind with each product I review. I try it and decide on my score before framing the rest of the story around that score. I hope that gives you some insight, but it’s completely ok to hate everything about me.

  5. Nikki says:

    Those were definitely not good… Similarly, “maple” flavoured marshmallows are gross, lol…
    BUT there is a vegan marshmallow company here which has pumpkin marshmallows! 🙂 Dandies –
    Bought them yesterday at WFM and they’re pretty good. 🙂 Going to attempt crispie treats this weekend with them… And they’re mini, so not weird to snack on.
    Their site: (not trying to ‘promote’ them or anything, I have no affiliation to the brand).