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Ok, just, hear me out.

Dog treats are technically junk food. They just happen to be junk food for a very specific audience (dogs). So by definition, they fall into the realm of “appropriate things for us to review.” Pumpkin-flavored treats are our specialty, and we made a vow long ago to never turn down a pumpkin-flavored review if we could help it. Based on these two facts, I had no choice but to buy Trader Joe’s Pumpkin Flavored Dog Treats. Not being well-versed in this particular junk food field, though, I decided to enlist the help of a very special guest reviewer. Meet Reggie the wolfhound!


Click to enlarge and see his goofy tongue sticking out in that last frame.

Reggie is a pretty picky eater, so I thought his palate would be perfect for testing out these treats. I’m not saying he has good taste–he turns his nose up at leftover steak yet will eat crabapples til he barfs–but at least he would provide some insight.


“Enough with the pictures and just give me a doggone bone.”

I opened the box of Trader Joe’s Pumpkin Flavored Dog Treats and was immediately/ashamedly jealous that I wasn’t going to get to try any. They smelled delicious, like warm pumpkin bread that just came out of the oven. The spice blend that I am all too familiar with at this point was strong and welcoming. The cookies are an adorable pumpkin shape too. By now our reviewer was getting impatient, so I gave him a cookie with the strict instructions to be gentle and eat slowly.


Oh man, he went nuts for these cookies. He immediately tried to get away from me and eat it in private, which is his sweet way of saying “I like this very much and do not trust you at all.” When I blocked his exit, he gave up and devoured it anyway while giving me the side-eye the whole time.

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Look at that smile!

Trader Joe’s Pumpkin Flavored Dog Treats have a strong crunch to them which seemed to satisfy Reggie’s tiny walnut-sized brain. The cookie was large enough that it kept him occupied for a good minute or so. He licked the floor when he was done and then sat up impatiently for another cookie, because he’s a greedy greedy hound with a strong sense of entitlement. When I went to give him one more, though, this caught my eye.


Was Trader Joe’s seriously giving me their blessing to try these Pumpkin Flavored Dog Treats?  Was that really a bridge that I was willing to cross? I suddenly understood what Meatloaf meant when he sang, “I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that,” except replace “love” with “pumpkin spice” and replace “do that” with “eat dog food.” If this was Junk Male then it’d be a different story; that man would straight up eat garbage if it had a layer of Pumpkin Spice Cookie Butter on top. I texted him to get his opinion.


I decided to go for it. Worst comes to worst I’ll probably turn into a dog, which is honestly my life’s goal anyway. And guess what? It sucked and it was terrible. It’s a DOG TREAT. What were you expecting? It still had more pumpkin flavor than Thomas’ Pumpkin Spice English Muffins, though.

Reggie’s Scruffiness Rating: 9 out of 10
Loss of Respect I Have For Myself Rating: 7 out of 10
Overall Rating: 9.5 out of 10 (for dogs), 1.5 out of 10 (for humans)

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