REVIEW: Cafe Mocha M&M’s

I wasn’t expecting to be here right now. Let me contextualize this review for you.

I had just finished up weights at the gym. I stepped outside and noticed that the day had blossomed into a wonderfully warm fall day. “Definitely putting the running shoes on when I get home,” I said to the garbage can beside me. But I was feeling a bit sluggish, so I decided to stop into the adjacent Target and grab a coffee at the Starbucks counter within. As soon as I stepped foot into Target, God showered me with these brand new Cafe Mocha M&M’s that I had no idea were even slated to come out. But I had only come for coffee. “Close enough,” I said, and I left without any real coffee. Instead of running the 8 miles I intended, I am sitting here eating M&M’s while trying to figure out what exactly macros are and if these fit into them.

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The new Cafe Mocha M&M’s are of the milk chocolate variety. They are bright red and bright green in color, just like coffee. I’m not really sure what Cafe Mocha has to do with the holidays, but the Red M&M is rocking a nice Christmas hat as he serves us his fancy cafe mocha. But hold on a second; what exactly is a cafe mocha? If you’re anything like me, and God I hope you’re not, you had no idea. Apparently, a cafe mocha is a coffee drink based on espresso and hot milk but with chocolate additions. It can also be served as hot chocolate with espresso added, according to our friends at Wikipedia. For all intents and purposes, these are just coffee M&M’s in my book. I’m thinking pumpkin spice latte M&M’s but without any pumpkin, sadly.

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Since I still hope to get that run in, let’s dive right into these Cafe Mocha M&M’s. Welp, I’m instantly disappointed. To say that I barely tasted any coffee is an understatement. The milk chocolate, sweet as it is, completely brushes aside any other definitive flavors. What I did notice on the back end was that these were the creamiest M&M’s I had ever eaten. They taste like milk chocolate, but the milkiest milk chocolate one could hope for from an M&M. Even though I didn’t want to, I kept eating these Cafe Mocha M&M’s searching for something else in the flavor profile. Meh. I started to pick up on some bitterness that one might find in a coffee, but this didn’t work for me either. These are simultaneously super sweet, super creamy, and kind of bitter in a disjointed way. If these are coffee M&M’s, it’s a terrible coffee. Think Tim Hortons.

Cafe Mocha M&M’s are the first “true” coffee flavor to be released, but I don’t find them to be successful. I would take a plain milk chocolate M&M over these, which is a huge deal coming from someone whose diet is best described as “limited edition.” I can’t believe I dropped everything for this. They’re largely similar to milk chocolate M&Ms with slight nuances that fell pretty flat. These aren’t awful enough to completely rip apart, but am I going to be a repeat buyer? Am I ever going to get that 8-mile run in?

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Delivers Just Enough Caffeine to Review M&Ms On Your Couch Rating: 6 out of 10
“Give Me a Large Coffee Light and Terrible, Please” Rating: 10 out of 10
Overall Rating: 4 out of 10

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6 Responses

  1. Sarah says:

    Too and these aren’t coffee-y. I would think it would be pretty easy to execute a coffee or a latte or a mocha (those are al the same thing right?). Favorite m&m flavor? I’ve heard awesome things about the almond m&ms

  2. Sarah says:

    **too bad (typo in the first line). Great review as always!!!

    • Junk Male says:

      Yeah, I thought this was a pretty safe flavor for them to try. But then I remembered how milk chocolate usually masks all other flavors in M&M’s, so I wasn’t too confident these would be anything special. I’ll always support M&M’s trying new varieties though.

      Honestly, Almond might be my favorite. Peanut is a classic, but I think I gave Almond the edge.

  3. Tove says:

    Just wanted to say that I think this blog is goddamn amazing and I was so happy when I found it! I’m awful at actually remember to comment on things, but I put a link to it on my bookmarks bar (if that’s what it’s called in English; I’m hopelessly ESL) so I can check it out every day. So if you end up getting a bunch of frequent yet inexplicable page views from Sweden, that’s just me, getting my junk food salivatin’ on. (Seriously, why does America get all the amazing junk food? Seems distinctly unfair to me!)

    Anyway, thank you so much for writing all these hilarious reviews. My actual face looks pretty much like a :DDDDDD emoticon come to life every time I notice a new update. Except with slightly fewer chins/mouths. Kudos to you guys, and thank you again! \o/

    • Junk Male says:

      Hey Tove,

      Wow! Thanks for all the really great feedback and keeping us bookmarked (yes, we call it the bookmark bar too).

      So you’re the guy from Sweden! We get page views from countries I’ve never even heard of, and we don’t understand the Internet enough to know how anyone is finding us. No fun junk food varieties in Sweden? As an American, I feel like Japan is where it’s at for weirdo junk food. We do alright, but we are no Japan.

      Your vote of confidence ensures we will do this forever, or until we both forget our passwords and can’t login into the site to update it. Thanks for reading and plenty more updates to come…

      • Tove says:

        Oh yeah, Japan is totally snack heaven. *___* When I was a wee gal of fifteen or so I regularly spent my entire allowance on tons of weirdo bubblegum flavors and candy sushi kits and those ostensibly super sour Shigekix candies with the mascot who for some reason seemed to have a butthole instead of a mouth. C’mon, guys, they were pretty sour, but not butthole-instead-of-mouth. Still, they were amazing. I would love to visit Japan and just rub all their exciting candy all over my body and face. But yeah, America’s pretty damn amazing, too. So many bright colors not found in nature! So many completely artificial-tasting fruit flavors! I hope this doesn’t come off as mocking, because I am super into every last bit of it.

        And, seriously, if I can’t have ALL THE CANDY/SNACKS/LIKE 2930434 COOL FLAVORS OF BEN AND JERRY’S then I can at least read about it and drool and possibly stroke the computer screen a little bit. (I promise I’m not creepy. Much.) No, but you guys’ blog is my new favorite one. It is excellent. It is highly entertaining. It’s a lot of other positive adjectives. I’m really bad at remembering to actually comment on blogs I read and I often don’t even have time, but I just want you to know that Junk Banter is A++++++ and hilarity technology 100% and so on and so forth. Go Junk Male and Drunk Female! This Drunk/Junk Female thinks you’re aces.

        SORRY, THIS WAS INCREDIBLY LONG.