Bear with me, we’re almost out of this pumpkin spiced abyss. Sugar cookie season can’t come soon enough.
If someone says they don’t like toaster pastries, resist the urge to hit them. Instead, recognize it as a cry for help: it just means that they haven’t found their flavor yet. I was once young and foolish enough to think that pop tarts were a waste of time, but then I discovered S’Mores flavor and my last-minute breakfast decisions were forever changed. Everyone has their flavor that they can’t resist, and lucky for us, it seems pretty easy for the toaster pastry overlords to keep churning out new ones. Do you have a friend who is sweet but incredibly boring? They’ll probably like Unfrosted Strawberry. What about a friend who seems like a great person but is actually terrible on the inside? Hot Fudge Sundae pop tarts will be right up their alley.
Junk Male’s flavor, obviously, is the Pumpkin Spice Pop Tart: he’s awesome, he’s limited edition, and he’s generally covered in sprinkles. But maybe, just maybe, he could be something more: respectable and sophisticated while still retaining the pumpkin spice flavors that, at this point, are the only things keeping him alive. I’m talking about Trader Joe’s Organic Frosted Pumpkin Toaster Pastries.
I appreciate how they threw “organic” in there, as that word continues to lose all meaning in any sense of the word. The first thing I noticed was that the product picture was a dirty liar: the icing was nowhere near as thick or enticing in real life. The pastry didn’t give off any particular pumpkin-y smell as I toasted it, but that’s okay, because there’s only so much you can expect from a toaster pastry.
So I know I just said “there’s only so much you can expect from a toaster pastry,” but I expected more than this. Everything is super average about these Trader Joe’s Organic Frosted Pumpkin Toaster Pastries: unremarkable crust, solid pumpkin flavor, weak icing game, kinda doughy tasting. Junk Male deserves better than this. It’s not bad, per se, but it’s not the elevated Pop Tart experience that I was hoping for.
It’s a bummer, but I don’t think Trader Joe’s Organic Frosted Pumpkin Toaster Pastries are gonna be anyone’s favorite flavor. Maybe the person who hangs out with the cool crowd but doesn’t quite belong? The person who claims to only eat “organic” but is constantly consuming unhealthy junk food? Oh wait, actually that IS Junk Male.
How Bad I Just Burned Junk Male Rating: 10 out of 10
How Sick I Am of Pumpkin Spice Rating: 9 out of 10
Overall Rating: 5 out of 10