Pardon my French, but I’m here tonight to settle this Red Velvet bullshit once and for all. You are very aware of “Red Velvet,” because the phrase has been thrown around recklessly by everyone for quite some time now. Many people are obsessed with Red Velvet, and many others are infuriated because “Red Velvet is just chocolate with red food coloring.” This isn’t entirely true.

Let me borrow and paraphrase from an excellent write-up on actual Red Velvet and its subsequent (and flawed) commercialization. Original velvet cakes used almond flour, cocoa or cornstarch to soften the protein in flour and make finer-textured cakes. The real thing also uses buttermilk and vinegar in the recipe, and many claim that the chemical reaction between the acids and the cocoa generate a reddish hue naturally.

As recipes evolved and everyone got fatter, red velvet cakes were often prepared with a roux of milk and flour that was whipped into butter and sugar, creating a fluffy icing called ermine. Modern interpretations garnished the cake with cream cheese or buttermilk frosting. Then commercialization and laziness happened, and everyone just added red food dye to cocoa-based cakes, slapped on any generic white frosting (often vanilla), and called it “Red Velvet.” Here is some legitimate proof that the artificial interpretation has reached the point of madness:

So, you are not wrong if you say that “Red Velvet” is just chocolate with red food coloring, because we went ahead and ruined everything over time. But the real deal – a properly prepared Red Velvet cake, is quite amazing. That said, tonight we will be reviewing some of the fake shit!

Special K Red Velvet Pastry Crisp’s are Kellogg’s newest flavor to their pastry crisp line which pretends to be a healthier alternative but is merely a 100-calorie sized portion of Pop Tarts. Seriously, you’re kidding yourself if you think these are any different. If you want proof, Kellogg’s just announced a “Chocolatey Caramel” Pop Tart, but a “Chocolatey Caramel” Pastry Crisp has existed for some time. It’s all Kellogg’s, and it’s coming from the same line. I’m not saying this is a bad thing, but I’m just dropping all kinds of useless knowledge all over your face.

Now, I haven’t tried the Red Velvet Pop Tarts, but these Special K Red Velvet Pastry Crisps are super one-dimensional. There’s plenty of bitter cocoa flavor here, balanced out by an avalanche of artificial sweeteners and chemicals. They certainly taste fake as all Hell. I can’t describe any other flavor other than fake cocoa. They’re not even successful at being super red; they’re a dark maroon with a filling that is damn near purple. I do enjoy the texture – a crisp, crumbly outer shell and a chewy filling. But I cannot turn a blind eye to the throat-burning artificial sweetness that presents itself on the back end of each bite.

All in all, these Special K Red Velvet Pastry Crisps are a pretty poor interpretation of Red Velvet. There is no tangy cream cheese element or fancy French icing that I can’t pronounce, and their color palette is suspiciously off.  As far as fake Red Velvet goes, I don’t think these hold a candle to the Red Velvet Oreos from earlier this year. I reckon if you’re a fan of Red Velvet Pop Tarts, you will probably have little complaint with these… because you’re dumb. Red Velvet is dumb. There, I said it. #MicDrop

How Much I Just Offended Our Readers Rating: 9 out of 10
How Many Readers We Actually Have Rating: 1 out of 10
Overall Rating: 4.5 out of 10