Happy Halloween, everyone! Cap’n Crunch’s Halloween Crunch is back for the one millionth year in a row. To celebrate the holiday, please find our review from last year below, wherein I just show off a bunch of my Halloween costumes and then play with my food. Note that the intro is no longer relevant at all. Enjoy!

We made it! It’s finally Halloween! And not just any Halloween… it’s a Saturday Halloween! When you used to go trick-or-treating as a kid, were you not super pumped every time Halloween fell on a weekend? I was a big fatso, so getting to start my candy-collecting whenever I damn well-wanted (6 AM, for example) was the greatest thing that could happen in my big fat life.

While it’s no longer socially acceptable for me to go trick-or-treating, I still get really turnt up for Halloween. I may be pushing 30, but I don’t mess around with my Halloween costumes. Here are some of the previous years:







If anyone can successfully identify who I was in 2013 (other than a sad Twinkie blogger), you are instantly one of my favorite persons alive.

Anyway, I’ve been sitting on this box of Cap’n Crunch’s Halloween Crunch since I first tracked it down in September. Because I basically live in the Halloween section at Target looking for pumpkin spice anything, it feels like Halloween has already passed. Whatever… I waited this long and I’m going to have me a bowl of Cap’n Crunch’s Halloween Crunch on Halloween, dammit.


Just so we’re perfectly clear on this, Cap’n Crunch’s Halloween Crunch is just regular Cap’n Crunch Berries that have replaced the standard berries with ghost-berries. The ghosts are supposed to turn my milk green, and that’s all I really care about. Let’s meet our culprits:

The ghosts are nondescript pink blobs, but I picked out five of the best. Check out the eerie face on that 5th ghost. I also have to think that third little fella covered in green stuff will be largely responsible for the delicious crime that’s about to take place.

Now get to work, you spooky bastards.


Ok… so I poured a bowl and mixed it around. I watched as the green dye started to leak off and swirl around in the milk. Yeah, it was getting kind of green… but not nearly as green as I had hoped. C’mon, ghosts… it’s Halloween for Christ’s sake! Surely you can do better, can’t you?

Introducing “Cap’n Crunch’s Oops! All Ghosts”:


Now we’re talking!!! Happy Halloween, everyone!

Oh, right. The review. This cereal tastes exactly like Cap’n Crunch Berries so it’s fine, or whatever. Contrary to popular opinion, it doesn’t cut up the roof of your mouth. Learn how to eat. Also, this entire review was just a way for me to show you guys my sweet Halloween costumes.

How Sweet I Think My Halloween Costumes Are Rating: 10 out of 10
How Sweet YOU Think my Halloween Costumes Are Rating: 1 out of 10
Overall Rating: 7.5 out of 10

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6 Responses

  1. Mars says:

    Did you rip out a My name is Judge magazine voice box for Franklin?

  2. mars says:

    That’s awesome. I love office magic.

  3. Sarah says:

    Love the costumes lol! This post seriously made me laugh. What are you going to be this year?? I remember going teick or treating when I was little. I loved the houses that left their tub of candy out with the light on. You could grab as much as you’d like!! One year me and my friend dressed up as babies (an excuse to wear a giant onesie and sip a drink from a sippie cup). But we rang the doorbell and a little kid opened the door in the exact same indie and exact same sippie cup. Lol it was hilarious.

    • Junk Male says:

      Thanks Sarah! Due to an unfortunate series of events (my house falling apart and needing some repairs) I stayed in this Halloween. When people would leave out the big bowl of candy, my friends and I were ruthless. They were lucky if they even got their bowl back… Haha I guess that little kid has a good taste in costumes as well!

  4. Sarah says:

    My lawyer, bob loblaw, has told me not to answer your “who am i?” Question.

    Just have sone kids. Trick or treating is acceptable if you have a kid. Actually, just carry a doll and pretend it is you shy daughter and hold out her bag.