Ok… you got me. I’m a hypocrite. While I stand firmly behind my statements that the modern interpretation of red velvet is flawed and dumb, I continue to be drawn in by that eye-popping red food dye. I want to be the bigger man and not purchase everything incorrectly labeled red velvet out of sheer principle, but I much rather become an actual bigger man by eating all of it. My quest to eat and review every single piece of garbage ever released will not be derailed by personal bias. Anything for more blog traffic… I can’t wait to get out first page view!
Truth be told, I’m actually kind of excited to try the new Tastykake Red Velvet Kandy Kakes. For the first time in what feels like a long time, we have a red velvet product that is actually cake. Well, at least if you can suspend reality a little bit. They look more like red velvet hockey pucks than anything else. But since hockey is exercise and LOL what is that even, tonight we’re gonna stick to eating cake. Adding to my fat excitement is the fact that Tastykake put together a remarkable effort with their Tastykake Red Velvet mini donuts that I couldn’t stop eating. Could they keep the momentum rolling with these Red Velvet Kandykakes?
Tastykake Red Velvet Kandykakes are described as “white confectionary coated red velvet cakes with creme filling.” They contain both real cocoa and real Red Dye #40, so this is as close to red velvet as we’re going to get in today’s modern world of lies. They also contain cinnamon and nutmeg, for whatever reason. Maybe Tastykake got lazy and just dyed their pumpkin spice cakes red? A man can dream, can’t he?
Apparently not. These taste, more or less, like straight sugar. Maybe the tiniest hint of cocoa flavor, but a bland one. No red velvet. No pumpkin spice. The thick waxy coating and thin layer of creme on top don’t taste like anything but generic “sweet.” The normal route to fake red velvet is to impart a vanilla frosting flavor, and these Red Velvet Kandykakes even missed that. The textures are just fine; kind of fun, even. The glossy outer layer breaks apart into crisp sheets like some store-bought frosted mini donuts do. You know exactly what I’m talking about, right? Or am I just a fat kid always and forever? No need to answer that. Anyway, the creme that rests on the top layer of the cake helps the product from feeling dry, while the red cake itself is soft and delicate. The textures are a hit, but the flavors are a miss.
Tastykake Red Velvet Kandykakes are a fine lunchbox snack to send your kids to school with, since they don’t have sophisticated palates like us. Let them have all the sugar and bug the Hell out of their teachers so they crash by the time you have to deal with them. With all their fancy colors and fun winter box art, you’re definitely going to purchase these anyway. You might even enjoy them if you weren’t reviewing a different junk food every single night. But these are a quick sugar fix and nothing else.
Liar, Liar, Pants On Fire Rating: 9 out of 10
How Many Pant Sizes I’ve Grown Since August Rating: 4 out of 10
Overall Rating: 5 out of 10