REVIEW: Hostess Red Velvet Donettes

Oh my God, you guys! You auto-bots cannot get enough of your “red velvet!” Red Velvet Oreos are one thing; any Oreo is a cause for excitement. But everywhere I look, something is being turned into red velvet. Like candy corn. Or peanut brittle. Or marshmallows. Why?! I can complain all I want, and I have, but I know by now that my words fall on deaf ears. You all go absolutely bonkers every time I post a photo of anything red velvet to our Instagram. And of course I’ll review it for you because I desperately need your approval to justify me existence. Sigh… Introducing Hostess Red Velvet Donettes or whatever.

Hostess Red Velvet Donettes

For the bagillionth time, I’ll make it perfectly clear that I LOVE a real red velvet cake… I do! If we’re talking about an authentic red velvet cake batter with a roux, buttermilk, or cream cheese frosting, I’m in! But just a bland chocolate cake with red food coloring is no cause for excitement, and that is the fate of most of the red velvet products that come our way. But the mere sight of that red food coloring seems to trigger an irrational response to the average foodie where they will stop at nothing to get their red velvet fix. Personally? It has me seeing both the literal and figurative red.

Now, I was a fan of Hostess Pumpkin Spice Donettes – my only other foray into the Donettes line. I’ve heard others were not so fond, so please… link me to YOUR junk food blogs. But given my prior experience, I hold a sliver of hope that Hostess can surprise me with their Red Velvet Donettes. It’s going to take a really top-notch effort to beat the Tastykake Red Velvet Mini Donuts that left me floored. I’ve had my fix and I really don’t want to do this right now. Maybe I’ll just eat one.

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Hostess Red Velvet Donettes contain a bunch of ingredients that read like the periodic table of elements. I can pronounce but a few, and they are “cocoa” and “Red 40.” I know exactly what they’re going to taste like, and they do. Hostess Red Velvet Donettes are described as “Red Velvet Mini Donuts with Glaze.” They might as well just be called “With Glaze.” These taste like glaze with a touch of cocoa. Not even a sexy touch, at that. A feeble one.

Hostess Red Velvet Donettes

Hostess Red Velvet Donettes are just super sweet glazed mini donuts that taste like most other generic mini donuts you can buy in a bag at a gas station. There’s no tang, no cream cheese, no buttercream, not even vanilla… there’s no red velvet. They taste so much like straight sugar that I can almost hear the Cavity Creeps honing in on my teeth. There’s just enough cocoa here to keep them from reaching their destination… I hope. I pray. I’m done.

Hostess Red Velvet Donettes aren’t repulsive because they’re still donuts, but aren’t great because they’re not red velvet. It’s not a quality chocolate, either. For your faux red velvet fix, stick with Tastykake Red Velvet Mini Donuts. I promise those are the better of the two.

Red Rating: 40 out of 10
How Much I Still Fear the Cavity Creeps at Age 29 Rating: 8.5 out of 10
Overall Rating: 4.5 out of 10

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