REVIEW: Poppin’ Jalapeno Doritos
As we find ourselves a mere 4th and inches from Super Bowl Sunday, it’s time to start prepping for the junk food extravaganza that is far better than the game itself and the commercials in between… unless said commercials are about Cinnamon Bun Oreos.
What do you guys like to eat on Super Bowl Sunday? Here’s a typical menu for me:
- $50 of Chinese Food.
- Buffalo Wings.
- $25 of more Chinese Food.
- That Buffalo Chicken Dip that multiple guests will bring.
- Enough Doritos to feed an Army of me.
I recognize I’m in the minority here, but I’m not a Cool Ranch Dorito Guy. I’ll get down with them if I have to, but I’ll never choose them over Nacho Cheese. But given the occasion, I’m tempted to shake things up this year with these new Poppin’ Jalapeño Doritos:
Now, I can’t be sure exactly what Poppin’ Jalapeño Doritos are trying to mimic. My HOPE is that they are flavored like Jalapeño Poppers, one of my all-time favorite appetizers. This would slot in nicely into my Super Bowl binge. However, they may simply be having fun with the name and this might just be jalapeño seasoning applied to Nacho Cheese Doritos. The bag only displays two normal-looking Doritos that have been set ablaze; no imagery of jalapeños stuffed with cream cheese, probably some other cheeses, and possibly some bacon all deep fried in a crispy blanket of bread crumbs and fat. My fear is that Poppin Jalapeño Doritos will merely be spicy Doritos – something we have available all the time. And when it comes to spicy Doritos, I doubt anything will ever top Doritos Roulette, which was a really fun game to play with your mother who thinks regular Doritos are too spicy.
The ingredients for Poppin’ Jalapeno Doritos include jalapeños, romano cheese, cheddar cheese, and a bunch of the familiar spices like garlic and onion powder. Outside of the jalapeño, these are all the same ingredients in Nacho Cheese Doritos just in different ratios based on their placement on the ingredient list. Poppin’ Jalapeño Doritos don’t smell all that spicy, so I gave em the good ole’ tongue test and licked one like the freakshow that I am. I swear – this yielded a genuine roasted jalapeño flavor, along with some garlic powder and familiar nacho cheese seasoning. The spice level is weak by my standards – a slight tickle in the throat but nothing to pop your shit over.
When you eat them like a normal human being, Poppin Jalapeño Doritos are more cheesy than anything else – all too familiar. The roasted jalapeño flavor is there but quickly fades to generic spice behind the recognizable zesty Nacho Cheese blend of regular Doritos. The heat, modest as it is, surfaces and lingers as you round out each bite. Kind of tasty, but nothing new by any stretch.
Poppin’ Jalapeno Doritos are, sadly, not Jalapeño Popper Doritos. They’re Nacho Cheese Doritos with a little added heat. You could get the same effect by eating regular Doritos after eating Buffalo Wings – exactly what I plan on doing in large quantities this Super Bowl Sunday.
Prediction: Panthers 24, Broncos 13.
Super Bowl MVP: Left Shark.
How Many People Will Bring the Same Exact Buffalo Chicken Dip Rating: 6 out of 10
How Many Fully Grown Buffalo I’ve Probably Eaten In My Lifetime Rating: 4 out of 10
Overall Rating: 5.5 out of 10
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