REVIEW (x3): Mystery Peeps (2016)
Okay, I don’t need to tell you again how much I hate Peeps (guys I hate them sooo much). But one thing I don’t hate is solving mysteries! Even though there are at least 500 different Peeps on shelves right now, my decision was an easy one. Give me the Mystery Peeps.
These Walmart-exclusive Mystery Peeps come in three varieties. The first is “1 of 3” flavored, the second is “2 of 3” flavored, and the last is “3 of 3” flavored. We all get to make our guesses on social media using hashtag #MysteryPeeps, and I assume the Peeps brand will reveal the correct answers at some point after Easter – the official holiday of Peeps. Since Peeps are generally terrible, my blind guesses are “Shit, Garbage, and Barf.”
Alright, let me level with you guys. Clearly I don’t hate Peeps as much as I portray on the blog. There was once a time where I did, but their new and exciting flavors really pull at Junk Banter’s heart strings. I’ve even been impressed by some of the most recent offerings, like the Strawberry Creme Peeps that debuted for Valentine’s Day. The thing is… I really love to hate marshmallows. For our new fans, I once pissed off 250,000 people with my marshmallow hate. It is my single greatest accomplishment.
Before I review all three of the 2016 Mystery Peeps, I must say that I’m feeling a bit nostalgic. The last time I reviewed a mystery product (Trader Joe’s Taste Test of Caramels), I kind of spoiled it by glancing at the correct answers ahead of time. To remedy it, I got blackout drunk before I sampled each one. This time, Peeps hasn’t provided me any indication of the correct answers. But I’m going to get drunk anyway.
Mystery Peep 1 of 3 comes in a green and blue package. Is that supposed to be a clue? I doubt it, because this shit smells like straight chocolate. There are so many different kinds of chocolate Peeps out there, so I’m going to give the Peeps brand the benefit of the doubt and say they wouldn’t waste a Mystery Peep with simply chocolate. Chomping the stupid head off one, it’s undoubtedly in the chocolate family like the smell suggests. That’s for certain. Had a chocolate Peep not been released before, that would be my guess. But there’s got to be a twist here. Marshmallows, inherently, offer a creamy sweetness to them. These taste pretty damn decent, but I’m also pretty damn drunk. What’s creamy and chocolatey? It could be white chocolate, but that’s pretty boring too. Hmm… chocolate and marshmallow, chocolate and marshallow… Aha! It’s S’mores. Gotta be S’mores… s’mores is so hot right now.
Everything’s Better With Chocolate Rating: 9.5 out of 10
Everything’s Better When You’re Drunk Rating: 10 out of 10
Overall Rating: 7 out of 10
My Guess: S’mores
*Updated, Correct Answer: Chocolate Milk
Mystery Peep 2 of 3 is the easiest damn mystery I’ve ever solved. Seriously. This is an even easier mystery than “Where’s Waldo?” It’s buttered popcorn. It smells like buttered popcorn, and tastes like buttered popcorn. It’s a terrible flavor for a marshmallow… worse than Buttered Popcorn Jelly Belly jelly beans. If you want buttered popcorn, eat buttered popcorn. Avoid this at all costs. Disgusting. I dipped it in whiskey to make it better. It didn’t. I can hardly see straight, but it’s easy to see that these are awful.
There’s No Mystery Here Rating: 10 out of 10
These Suck Rating: 7.5 out of 10
Overall Rating: 2.5 out of 10
My Guess: Buttered Popcorn
*Updated, Correct Answer: Buttered Popcorn
Mystery Peep 3 of 3 is a fun mystery to solve. Opening the package, I have an immediate guess. It’s fruity and tangy for certain, but with something extra that smells familiar. Soda. Cherry Cola is the guess before I even take a bite. Once I did take a bite, I pick up on a sour note that muddles the cherry cola guess just a bit. These could be sour cherry, sour blackberry, or sour whiskey because I am drinking this Jim Beam whiskey like it’s water to get over the Buttered Popcorn Peeps. I am positive this is in the tart and fruity family. Whatever these are, they taste pretty good and are pretty unique compared to some other Peeps I’ve tried. I can’t deny there’s a little bit of fizziness here. I’m sticking with Cherry Cola, because I’m stubborn and drunk. Mystery Peep 3 of 3 is my favorite of the bunch.
I Bet These Suck When You’re Sober Rating: 8 out of 10
How Much My Reviews Suck When I’m Sober Rating: 8 out of 10
Overall Rating: 7.5 out of 10
My Guess: Cherry Cola
*Updated, Correct Answer: Sour Cherry
Mystery Peeps is a great game to play, especially when you’re drunk. Tonight I learned that Buttered Popcorn marshmallows are something I never want to eat again in my life, but at least I can say that I tried them. Mystery Flavor 1 of 3 and Mystery Flavor 3 of 3 are tasty and leave enough intrigue that I will be checking @PeepsBrand with regularity to find out how well I did. I’ll update this post with the correct answers once revealed. My confidence is soaring (because I’m drunk AF), but I think the concept of Mystery Peeps is a success. I recommend bringing this product to any social gathering to drunkenly debate the flavors.
Mystery Peeps Overall Rating: 6.5 out of 10
Jim Beam Overall Rating: 9 out of 10
Have you tried any of these Mystery Peeps? Let us know your guesses in the comments below, or don’t because you’re not reading this and you don’t even like Peeps!
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