REVIEW: Dannon Oikos Red Velvet Cake

There is something wrong with all of us. Why can’t we just let yogurt be yogurt? Adding fruit is one thing. Fruit is healthy. Yogurt is healthy. Add all the fruit you want to your yogurt and you’ve still got an incredibly healthy AND delicious breakfast. Heck, add some granola! Still healthy! But nooooo. In order to stomach it, we want our yogurt to taste like cake and cookies and tiramisu and peanut butter & jelly sandwiches. We’re all out of control, myself included… which is why I let out an audible gasp when I saw the new Dannon Oikos Red Velvet Cake flavor Greek yogurt. We are this close to just selling crushed and blended cakes out of containers for breakfast.

Dannon Oikos Red Velvet Cake

Dannon Oikos Red Velvet Cake

Most… er, all, of my yogurt reviews to this point have been Chobani. As a yogurt hoarder/psychopath, I feel obligated to try every new yogurt that I ever cross paths with. But the only two brands that are staples in my rotation are Chobani Simply 100 and Dannon Oikos Triple Zero (the one that Cam Newton eats). What I like about the Dannon Oikos Triple Zeros are they have 0 added sugar, 0 artificial sweeteners, and 0 fat. This Dannon Oikos Red Velvet Cake yogurt has a lot more than zero of all of those things. But as a one-off from my rotation – I’ll survive. After all, what’s cake without all the sugar and fat? A waste of time – that’s what.

Dannon Oikos Red Velvet Cake

One container of Dannon Oikos Red Velvet Cake Greek yogurt is 170 calories with 4.5g of fat, 21g of carbs, 11g of protein, and friggin’ 18g of sugar. It uses cocoa to help get to the red velvet flavor, but even this appears behind sugar on the ingredient list. Its color is slightly off-putting, as it looks to be something between a pink and a salmon color more than a bright red. I’ll give this a pass – it uses black carrot juice and beta carotene for coloring  instead of Red Dye 40 that every other red velvet product uses. If this tastes anything like carrots, I’m giving it a 0 out of 10.

Dannon Oikos Red Velvet Cake

No carrots. Dannon Oikos Red Velvet Cake Greek yogurt tastes, in a lot of ways, like chocolate pudding. Even with the 18g of sugar, though, it still lacks the sweetness to fully satisfy the sweet tooth. It’s like a chocolate pudding that never fully matured (puddings mature; I ate some at a Bar Mitzvah once). Because it’s not overly sweet, that’s where things get kind of interesting. This yogurt is still tangy and sour, perhaps even too much for my liking and especially when considering how much sugar I know I’m ingesting regardless. But the tangy and sour elements do give it something a little more red-velvety than a standard chocolate flavor, even if it wasn’t by design. No – it doesn’t taste like cream cheese or buttermilk frosting, but there is something a little more unique here than just cocoa.

By now it’s probably apparent that I’m just trying to give Dannon Oikos Red Velvet Cake credit wherever I can. I don’t love this yogurt. It’s not cake in a cup, though it has just as much sugar. Where’s my blender?

How Much I Can’t Wait For Them to Make Cakes In a Cup Rating: 10 out of 10
Odds that Cam Newton Would Enjoy This Rating: 000 out of 10
Overall Rating: 5 out of 10

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