It’s the first day of Spring! Try telling that to Kellogg’s, who released these Spring Frosted Strawberry Pop Tarts in the middle of winter. I haven’t bothered with these until now; I’ve been too busy bulking up on Maple Bacon Pop Tarts. Well, it being the first day of spring means it’s almost summer, which means it’s time to cut, which means I have to eat a lot of fruit, which means let’s eat some Frosted Strawberry Pop Tarts.
Look, I won’t bullshit you. Kellogg’s Spring Frosted Strawberry Pop Tarts are just Strawberry Pop Tarts. You know what these taste like. What makes these “spring” are the adorable but cringe-worthy comics printed on the front of the Pop Tarts – all of which have a tie in to spring. Today we’re going to do something a little different. I won’t waste your time reviewing the Strawberry Pop Tart that you’ve eaten a million times already (7 out of 10… who cares.) Instead, I’m going to waste your time by reviewing and ranking the 12 comics printed on the front of these Pop Tarts, making this the most wasteful purchase I have made for the blog to date. We’ll go “worst” to “first.”
Scratch that. We’ll only being reviewing 8 comics because 2 of my packs were duplicates. I would complain about being ripped off, but this entire review is a waste of my money… as is this entire blog.
8) Toaster Clouds: A boy, gazing up at the passing clouds, says to the Pop Tart that is somehow larger than he is: “That one looks like a a toaster.” The Pop Tart refutes: “Does not. No Way. Nope.” I’m a bit confused by this one. Does the Pop Tart innocently not see the resemblance, or is he frightened and refuses to believe it? I’m going to side with the boy. Pop Tarts have a shelf life of about 9 months before they start to die. The far elder boy has seen more of toasters than the Pop Tart has – whatever his age. Stupid.
7) Spring Break: We get it. These are Spring Pop Tarts. You don’t need to blast the words “Spring Break” in my face for me to remember that these are Spring Pop Tarts. I didn’t rank this one dead last because the colors are vibrant at the very least. Enjoy that sorry looking game of Beach Volleyball while you can, Pop Tarts. That little girl is going to eat you as soon as she gets out of her sand hole.
6) Suddenly…Spring!: I ranked this one down this low simply because I don’t get it. It appears a bird is about to scoop up the Pop Tart, who is peacefully sniffing a flowers in a meadow. But what’s with the “Suddenly…Spring!”? I texted this one to Drunk Female to see if I was missing something. She wasn’t sure either, but noted that the Pop Tart looks high off his ass. Maybe the bird isn’t real. Puff, puff, pass on this comic.
5) Sup, My Peeps?: This one is so cheesy that it drives me nuts. Yeah, the little chickens are cute and scream “spring” because they call to mind Easter Peeps. But I do not like Peeps. The only reason I ranked this 5th and not last was because it’s so boring that I had no problem finally eating one of the Pop Tarts. I enjoyed it. Nice strawberry flavor – a classic. There’s your review of Kellogg’s Spring Frosted Strawberry Pop Tarts.
4) There Goes Your Spray Tan: This one actually has a few layers that make it worthy of a chuckle. My favorite part is that the one Pop Tart makes no attempt to shield the other Pop Tart from the rain. Whatever happened to sharing your umbrella? Also kind of humorous is that these Pop Tarts (and all Pop Tarts, at that) have to resort to spray tanning because I assume a tanning bed is too close for comfort for a Pop Tart, as anything that warms you up on all sides means you’re going to be devoured moments later. Finally, spray tanning itself is a hilarious concept.
3) Proud of Her Stylist: Though the banter on this one isn’t so clever, the look on that second Pop Tart’s face is priceless. Bitch can’t even hold back. The Pop Tart with way too much makeup on is so gosh darn proud of her new look, but she looks like an Easter Egg. I’d still hit it. In fact, she actually looks an awful lot like the Frosted Pink Lemonade Pop Tarts that will be arriving later this spring. I’m gonna hit those, too.
2) Spring Cleaning: I love this one. First off, it’s amusing to think that anyone actually cleans out their toaster. I love that the Pop Tart views the morsels at the bottom of the toaster as something of a memorial for all his deceased brethren. The look on that boy’s face is great too. He does appear to be getting some sick, twisted satisfaction as he stares directly at the still-living Pop Tart and pours the ashes of all the fallen Pop Tarts into the garbage. What a cold-hearted son of a bitch. What the heck is he wearing?
1) My Butt Hurts: One word: Butt. Easy call here. Apparently the butt of a Pop Tart is located in the lower right corner. We can now confirm that Pop Tarts feel pain as we eat them, but are surprisingly resilient in that it doesn’t seem to cause any pressing concern for their life expectancy. The second Pop Tart either can’t hear correctly because he’s had his ears chewed off, or simply cannot process anything because he’s had his brains chomped by the boy in the background who appears to be having an orgasmic reaction to only three tiny bites of two different Pop Tarts. Butt.
There you have it, folks! Happy Spring, and if you’ll excuse me… I have to get in my car and go search for Summer Frosted Strawberry Pop Tarts which I assume came out while I was writing this review.
Hilarity of Printed Fun Comics Rating: 2 out of 10
How Many Pop Tarts I Just Wasted Rating: 11 out of 12
Overall Rating: 7 out of 10
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