Guys, I’m very sorry you had to hear this from me, but Slurpees are now donuts.
Just two weeks ago, Slurpees were cotton candy. Now, they’re donuts. Yes, the 7-Eleven Wild Cherry Slurpee Donut takes the flavor of a Slurpee (a frozen slushee drink) and infuses it into a donut (a small fried cake of dough). This is, for lack of a better term, the dumbest thing in America at press time. Of course I knew I had to review the 7-Eleven Wild Cherry Slurpee Donut, but I wasn’t happy about it.
Millions of people across America didn’t ask for this, and we finally got what we didn’t want. The 7-Eleven Wild Cherry Slurpee Donut is the company’s sick, twisted way of celebrating its 50th birthday. The more logical choice would have been a Birthday Cake-flavored Slurpee, but instead we got this. The donut features a wild cherry icing, sugar crystals to mimic ice, and a pink-ish interior with bits of pink-ish things.
The first thing you’ll notice about the 7-Eleven Wild Cherry Slurpee Donut is that it’s hard as a rock, because it has been sitting out for days on end because nobody is going to purchase the 7-Eleven Wild Cherry Slurpee Donut but me. The donut itself has a distinct crispiness (probably because it’s stale) and chews dense (probably because it’s awful). The dough is only slightly sweet, so it doesn’t do a good job of mimicking the frozen sugary beverage by itself. There is the faintest hint of tart cherry, but you really have to think about it to pick up on it. And the more time you spend concentrating on this donut, the more you start to regret every decision you’ve ever made because it brought you to this exact moment.
The wild cherry frosting and hard sugar crystals are when things get so interesting that I can’t even be mad. The cherry flavor in the icing is so artificial and damn-near-perfectly-slushee. The sprinkles feel like the chunks of ice in the beverage. I can’t help but say I’m impressed, but I’m also kind of special in an “I don’t even feel sorry for him” kind of way. Does it work as a donut? Nope! When you eat this stiff wild cherry icing and rock hard sprinkles attached to a way-too-tough, floury donut, the experience is far from satisfying – yet somehow it is FUN.
The 7-Eleven Wild Cherry Slurpee is meant to be a clickbait, gimmicky product that you will chat about with friends and coworkers. It achieves its mission. I can’t really recommend it to anyone but the extremely adventurous, and even then you must enter with tempered expectations. I don’t know if this makes sense, but it’s so terrible that I love it. The frosting and sprinkles taste so uncannily like a cherry Slurpee that I’m glad I experienced it. This is one of those products that you might want to try just to say that you did. So go try it… you’re gonna hate it.
Rating for Normal People: 3 out of 10
Rating for Dumbasses Like Me: 7 out of 10
Overall Rating: 5 out of 10
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