*Spits out coffee* GUYS, Hostess Suzy Q’s are back!!
Wait a minute… WTF are Suzy Q’s? Hostess Suzy Q’s are comprised of two chocolate cake layers with a creamy filling in between. Ok, so this product sounds like a million other products that I ate when I was little – Drake’s Devil Dog’s, Drake’s Yankee Doodles, Drake’s Ring Dings – pretty much everything ever released by Drake’s. I’ve never had a Hostess Suzy Q in my life. I didn’t know they were discontinued, and I’m not even sure I knew they existed.
Hostess Suzys Q’s don’t sound especially exciting per the description, but you wouldn’t know that judging from the social media hype train that Hostess has printed all over the package:
- “She’s back! Casey has waited long enough!” (Who is Casey?)
- “Yay they are back!!! #suzyqs #awesome #happy” (I don’t think this will make the Top Posts on #happy)
- “We want #SuzyQs back! #TwoChocolateCakeSmotheringCreamFilling” (That is not how to use hashtags)
- “Best part of eating a Suzy Q is licking the last bit of cream off your fingers.” (This does not bode well for the quality of the product itself)
The cake layers in Hostess Suzy Q’s are really soft sponge cakes- like two chocolate cake pillows. Pillows are appropriate, because their flavor will put you to sleep. Look, I’m not going to rip these apart, because this is an incredibly familiar comfort food. The cake has a light cocoa, floury, not-too-sweet flavor that has been around in products like this for years. If I were born decades earlier and grew up on Hostess Suzy Q’s- especially when this type of cake hadn’t saturated the market yet – I would likely look forward to coming home from school (did they even have schools back then?) and stuffing my fat face with them. In 2016, this cake is boring.
The cream is the exact same cream in every other Hostess product, but I enjoy it a lot more than the cake. It’s your standard whipped vanilla concoction whose flavor combines well-enough with the cake. Where things get weird are the textures. The cakes are very soft and moist, and the cream is much the same. As your teeth chomp through soft-on-soft, the satisfaction factor never fully clicks. On the package, Alan writes: “Suzy Q’s and an ice cold glass of milk. Pure bliss!!!!” Yeah… about that.
Hostess Suzy Q’s are so light that you better act quickly if you want to dip them in milk. The cakes will absorb the milk and quickly lose all integrity. To Alan’s credit, he didn’t suggest dipping – just pairing. But I will emphasize one of the few strengths of this texture – the product is moist enough by itself that I didn’t need nor crave milk to wash it down. The product was just very plain. Sorry, Alan, but this is a pretty sad “bliss.”
Hostess Suzy Q’s may be back, but I wouldn’t bother. In my brief amount of research on this product’s return, I am seeing near-universal agreement that they aren’t the same Suzy Q’s that caused Mom & Dad to learn Facebook just to blow up the Hostess page begging for their return. If you wanted these back for the nostalgia factor, it sounds like disappointment awaits. If you are a first-time buyer, consider changing to a no-time buyer.
#TwoChocolateCakesSmotheringCreamFilling Rating: 0 Likes out of 10
Alan’s Idea of Bliss Rating: 2 out of 10
Overall Rating: 5.5 out of 10
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