The Cap’n has traded in his pirate ship for an ice cream cart, and he’s now proudly serving up Cap’n Crunch’s Orange Creampop Crunch. Remarkably, an ice cream man wearing a pirate costume still isn’t the creepiest ice cream man I’ve ever known.
Ladies and gentlemen, tonight I finally tell the tale of how I, Junk Male, used to be an ice cream man.
For three consecutive summers in college, I drove around in an ice cream truck selling ice cream to innocent victims. A popular item was the Nestle Orange & Cream Bars that serve as inspiration for Cap’n Crunch’s Orange Creampop Crunch. But enough about the Cap’n… this review is about me now.
Let me tell you how much of a total creeper I was. One time I wrote my phone number on a Screwball and asked this sweet girl to deliver it to her older sister. How’s that for game? She never called me, presumably because she was looking for someone better than a guy who drove around in a half-operating miniature school bus decked out with pictures of Dora the Explorer.
One day, a woman comes out to buy ice cream for her family. Or so I thought. “You like my daughter, huh?” Shit. She grilled me about what I did when I wasn’t selling ice cream to minors. I told her I was in college pursuing a degree in Business Management. This really impressed her. The tables had turned! Win the mom, win the girl, right? That’s when she told me that her daughter was 16.
Relax guys, I was only 21 at the time. But still…what a f*cking creep! In my defense, the way girls dress these days makes it impossible to tell their age. Welp, that didn’t help my case any! I should stop talking…
Since the Cap’n also looks like someone who has preyed on minors, I guess it’s only fitting that I try Cap’n Crunch’s Orange Creampop Crunch. Orange creamsicle is an extremely unique flavor for a breakfast cereal, and I wasn’t really sure how to feel about it when I first discovered that this existed. The cereal pieces look exactly like regular Cap’n Crunch but are tinted orange. They smell like a sweeter, less floury version of regular Cap’n Crunch.
My first handful blew me away to be honest. Cap’n Crunch’s Orange Creampop Crunch shares the familiar corn/oat flavor as the OG, but an orange flavor builds quickly thereafter and lingers proudly. While the cereal is still plenty sweet, it finishes with a pleasant bitterness that you would find in a candied orange peel. The high amounts of sugar summoned thoughts of the ice cream, but the balance favors orange over vanilla decidedly. Opportunity missed on mini marshmallows. Still, this creepy bastard whipped a pretty damn good breakfast.
Cap’n Crunch’s Orange Creampop Crunch holds up really well in milk, too. All varieties of Cap’n Crunch are nearly impervious to milk. It only starts to get soggy if you sit there staring at it for 10 minutes like you don’t know what to do with it, and even then it has a slight snap to it. The orange flavor remains pervasive and is only dampened to the smallest of degrees by the milk bath. I used unsweetened almond milk like a complete bonehead, but I imagine the vanilla creme vibe is enhanced if you use any milk with dairy. I also have no doubts this would be bomb with vanilla almond milk.
Cap’n Crunch’s Orange Creampop Crunch may sound weird, but it’s an immensely flavorful cereal that might just qualify as my favorite Cap’n Crunch variety. Too bad it’s impossible to find and will be gone forever soon. One thing holding this back is that Cap’n Crunch tastes a little like cardboard at its core. I couldn’t help but think of that last bite of an Orange & Creme bar where your tongue makes contact with the wooden stick: the worst f*cking feeling in the world.
In summary, avoid your ice cream man at all costs.
Creepiness of Ice Cream Men Rating: 9 out of 10
The Chills You Get When You Lick A Popsicle Stick Rating: 0 out of 10
Overall Rating: 8 out of 10
A special thank you to @thejunkfoodaisle on Instagram for sending us a box of Cap’n Crunch’s Orange Cream Pop Crunch! This was purchased at Jewel Osco.
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