Here we go again. My history with candy corn is a tumultuous one. I do not care for the confection in its yellow, orange, and white configuration. It’s waxy and weird and it burns my throat and I hate it. But I sure do love dumb-flavored shit, and candy corn is a big time player in weirdo flavors.

So, I buy candy corn constantly. I repeatedly buy something I hate because I want it to taste like things that I like.

Take birthday cake, for example. Nothing beats it. Doesn’t even matter what kind of cake. Birthday cake is great because it has frosting and because it’s the best day of the year and maybe I’ll get laid tonight! (I won’t).

Only one problem: you can’t have your cake and eat it too. What you can do is have your cake and eat Brach’s Birthday Cake Candy Corn. (What?)

Brach's Birthday Cake Candy Corn

Brach’s Birthday Cake Candy Corn

Brach’s Birthday Cake Candy Corn is supposedly flavored like chocolate cake with vanilla frosting. I will review this not as a candy corn hater (which I definitely am), but as a fat & curious soul who wants to know if somebody used chemicals to accurately capture the finer qualities of a frosted cake inside of a little garbage triangle. I already know it has ample amounts of sugar. That’s a start, I guess.

Brach's Birthday Cake Candy Corn

Worst Birthday Ever.

Well, the good news is that these don’t make me want to kill myself. Brach’s Birthday Cake Candy Corn aren’t the best interpretation of cake, per se, but they do taste like chocolate frosting blended with vanilla frosting blended with whatever shit is used to make candy corn. The candy favors the chocolate over the vanilla, so props to Brach’s for getting the order of flavors in the description right. It’s a mild chocolate – not even as deep as the chocolate flavor found in Indian corn. The vanilla flavoring adds a creaminess that pairs naturally with candy corn while adding depth beyond simply “sweet.”

Brach's Birthday Cake Candy Corn

My primary complaint with Brach’s Birthday Cake Candy Corn is that they are still candy corn. They finish with a strong artificial funk that every candy corn does. The sweetness level is just too high for my preferences, making them impossible to snack on for more than a few. It’s a tough feat to be sweeter than cake, but candy corn achieves it. If this characteristic of candy corn doesn’t phase you at all, you’ll likely enjoy Brach’s Birthday Cake Candy Corn. It’s chocolate and it’s vanilla and it’s sugary like frosting – the best part of the cake.

Objectively, I wish they would have gone bolder with a deeper chocolate and a stronger vanilla to provide a more stark contrast between these flavors. That would make these taste less like regular candy corn and more like a cake. Or, I could just eat cake.

In summary, I’ll just eat cake.

You Can’t Have Your Cake And Eat It (Blank) Rating: 2 out of 10
Celebrating Your Birthday With Your Least Favorite Candy Rating: 1.5 out of 10
Overall Rating: 6.5 out of 10

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2 Responses

  1. Erin says:

    WHERE did you find this?! Candy corn is my favorite candy and I’m a sucker for anything cake flavored!

    • Junk Male says:

      Found at a grocery store in Maryland called Harris Teeter! It’s owned by Kroger, so maybe check Kroger’s Wiki page and see if you have any of the retailers in their ownership group. Or look online!