Ladies and gentleman, Walmart now sells gigantic suicide pills in the freezer aisle.

Great Value Donut Cheeseburger

Great Value Donut Cheeseburger

For a mere $4.84, you can write your own death sentence with these new pre-packaged cake donut cheeseburgers with bacon jam. Though they’re produced by Great Value, I struggle to find any value when the price of admission is certain death.

But hey, I’ve made my living reviewing crazy junk food… it’s only right that I die doing it too.

Great Value Donut Cheeseburger

Yeah, I know I don’t normally review things like burgers on Junk Banter. But this isn’t just any burger! The bread in this burger has been replaced by donuts. Donuts are junk food. That’s the only loophole I needed to justify this purchase.

The exact description of the Great Value Donut Cheeseburger is chopped beef steak, American cheese, & hot pepper berry bacon jam on a cake donut. To prepare one from frozen, simply remove the sandwich from its wrapper, microwave for 1 minute and 45 seconds, call your parents, tell them you love them, and let out a final cry.

Great Value Donut Cheeseburger

Hopefully the tears make it taste better.

Oh My God, death tastes horrible. The amount of grease oozing from the cake donut will nauseate you immediately, and you’ll never get past it. Holy shit. The donuts are just soft, terrible grease sponges. They don’t even taste like donuts – just grease.

I had to rip one of the donut layers off just to be able to taste the meat. It tastes like unseasoned White Castle meat, and I’m not drunk enough to appreciate the likeness. To its credit the meat wasn’t dry… probably because it absorbed all the disgusting grease from the donut. The patty isn’t thick enough to overcome the weaknesses of the donut bun.

The cheese isn’t discernible either. I thought I tasted something salty for half a second, but this was washed away by a literal tsunami of grease. I’m drowning in it. I told you I was going to die today.

The best ingredient is the hot pepper berry bacon jam, which I was only able to taste because most of it rested in total isolation in the center donut hole. It tasted modestly of bacon and slightly of raspberries; a decent combo of salty and sweet. It’s not spicy at all, though, and there isn’t enough to provide any value. At least it doesn’t taste like grease.

The Great Value Donut Cheeseburger gave me a headache so strong and an uneasy feeling so severe that I had to go lie down in bed, where I’m completing this review. This bed will be my coffin.

In summary, there are better ways to die than this.

How Difficult It Is to Breathe Rating: 8 out of 10
How Much I’ve Wasted My Entire Life Rating: 9 out of 10
Overall Rating: 2.5 out of 10

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2 Responses

  1. Amber says:

    Eek. Okay, I’ll pass on this one.

  2. Junk Male says:

    “Eek” is the best review I’ve seen on these yet.