When I asked my barista if they had the new Starbucks Fruitcake Frappuccino, she said: “It’s disgusting, you don’t want it.”

My response? “Perfect, I’ll have a grande.”

It’s no secret that everyone hates fruit cake, but it’s also no secret that I love weird shit. I needed to know if Starbucks captured all the subtleties of fruit cake – raisins, alcohol, garbage zest… whatever it is that makes people wanna vom.

Starbucks Fruitcake Frappuccino

Starbucks Fruitcake Frappuccino

This is the first time I was disappointed that a product could be worse and should be worse.

It’s not that the Starbucks Fruitcake Frappuccino is good; it’s just not gross. It starts with a Hazelnut Crème Frappuccino, then adds dried fruit and cinnamon, topped with whipped cream, caramel, and matcha. I don’t know what matcha has to do with fruit cake, but I’m guessing it was added to make this look as ugly as possible.

Starbucks Fruitcake Frappuccino

The most pronounced flavors were hazelnut, cinnamon, and a slight annatto flavor. These were all the tasty components – they come together for a mostly nutty and spiced beverage with lots of sugar added. The blended fruit didn’t really come through on most sips. They don’t come through your straw either. At one point a raisin or cherry or something got lodged in my straw. I laughed.

I swirled the whipped cream and matcha into my Frappuccino and took a sip near the top. I know the matcha is mostly for festive garnish, but it’s worth noting that it imparts a bitterness that simply doesn’t belong. Or maybe it does? Fruit cake is disgusting. It was about this point that I said: “I’m done here.”

All things told, the Starbucks Fruitcake Frappuccino didn’t remind me very much of the cake that I never want to eat. At times I even enjoyed it, until I remembered that I wanted to hate it. If you’re out holiday shopping and you think: “Boy, I could really go for a drink that’s not as shitty as it sounds but also isn’t very good,” you’re looking at it.

Fruitcake Rating: 4 out of 10
Gingerbread Sweater Coozy Rating: 10 out of 10
Overall Rating: 6.5 out of 10

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