REVIEW: Red Velvet Kit Kats
If you’re reading this blog – one specifically revolving around weird-flavored junk food – then chances are you have a problem too.
Let me tell you when I realized there was something wrong with me.
In 2010, I discovered that Kit Kats came in SO MANY FLAVORS other than chocolate. The problem was that these Kit Kats were located over 6,000 miles away in Japan. Flavors included the dumbest shit like soy sauce, lemon soda, roasted corn, and yellow cheesecake-looking whatever-the-fuck. There have been over 300 quirky Kit Kats released in Japan since the year 2000 alone. Many of them sound terrible, but all of them sound fascinating.
Oh, what I would give to live in Japan and eat all the Kit Kats!
I soon found out “what I would give” was about $50 to a stranger on eBay – not once, but on two separate occasions. The second time, I cut the Kit Kats into little slices, pierced them with frilled toothpicks, got drunk with a bunch of friends and ate weird Japanese Kit Kats all night.
Ladies and gentleman… my name is Junk Banter, and I have a Kit Kat fetish.
Thankfully for my fetish, Hershey’s has gone ahead and made the sexiest Kit Kat to date right here at home: Red Velvet Kit Kats.
Red Velvet Kit Kats are a new seasonal item for Valentine’s Day 2017. Since I’m a food blog and never have a valentine and definitely don’t have sex, buying and eating Red Velvet Kit Kats will be the closest I get to sexual activity all year. It’s a close tie between this and… well, just ask the other 43 people in this Facebook group if you really want to know.
Red Velvet Kit Kats are covered with white confectionary and are naturally and artificially flavored to taste like red velvet cake. And you know what?
Recall that a red velvet cake is made with a small amount of cocoa, vanilla extra, some buttermilk, and a shit ton of red food dye. It’s then iced with either cream cheese frosting (the modern approach) or butter roux frosting (the traditional approach).
The flavoring in Red Velvet Kit Kats is somewhere in between the two frostings, but closer to the butter roux. A butter roux is a simple combination of flour, butter, milk, sugar, and vanilla. The white confectionary in Red Velvet Kit Kats is sweet and exceptionally creamy with some wonderful vanilla undertones. You don’t get the signature tang or cheesiness of cream cheese frosting from the filling, but there is that little magical bit of “something” that helps you distinguish between a red velvet cake and a chocolate one.
The cookies at the center taste like the classic sugar wafers (the chocolate ones). They add that subtle cocoa flavor to pair with the frosting flavor that Hershey’s nailed. The little bit of creme in between each layer even helps the mouthfeel draw cake to mind, as the candy melts quickly in your mouth and chews moist and satisfying.
Mmm… where are those other 43 people at?
In summary, Red Velvet Kit Kats are an exceptional aphrodisiac.
Facebook Poking as a Means of Flirting Rating: 1 out of 10
Sitting on Cake as a Means of Sexual Gratification Rating: 😉 out of 10
Overall Rating: 9 out of 10
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