There I stood facing the “What’s New?” section, a bag of Trader Joe’s Scandinavian Swimmers in my hand. I tried to talk myself out of a purchase:
“You don’t need these. They’re just Swedish Fish. They can’t be that good.”
“Those are sooo good!“, an older mind-reading woman offered to me.
Not wanting to challenge her, I put them in my cart and continued shopping. I still had my doubts:
“People are stupid; these can’t be that good.“
Emotions were swirling as I approached the register. I like gummy candies fine and all, but I have so many treats leftover from the holidays.
“YOU DON’T NEED THEM.”
The woman working the register, the second clairvoyant I would encounter that day, chimed in: “Oh my Gosh these are the BEST – I finished two bags already.”
That was it… I must review Trader Joe’s Scandinavian Swimmers. I need to know if they’re a hidden treasure or if people’s taste buds are just dumb.
Trader Joe’s Scandinavian Swimmers are clearly playing off the Swedish Fish name and barely trying to hide it. I Google’d “Scandinavian Swimmers” to see if the term was a thing, and found an article about a testicle-crushing vegetarian monster fish from South America that was attacking actual Scandinavian swimmers.
I no longer wanted to eat them, but I’ve come too far.
Trader Joe’s Scandinavian Swimmers are gummy candies in the shapes of various testicle-crushing sea monsters colored with spirulina and fruit/vegetable extracts. They come in four flavors: the red lobster is berry, the blue dolphin is huckleberry, the yellow seahorse is mango peach, and the orange rockfish is orange.
I have two hopes: that these taste better than Swedish Fish and that my testicles never get crushed.
Red Lobster (Berry): I was hoping the Red Lobster tasted like Cheddar Bay Biscuits, but this Scandinavian Swimmer is a generic berry; I couldn’t tell ya which one. It tastes awfully similar to the red Swedish Fish. My main takeaway was that these are softer and not as tough as Swedish Fish. They’re an easier chew and you can polish off a ton in one sitting. A yummy candy, but not exciting. Cheaper than real lobster at least.
Blue Dolphin (Huckleberry): Did you know the blue Scandinavian Swimmer is the only mammal other than the human that has sex for pleasure. I really enjoyed this flavor despite not knowing what a huckleberry is. I thought it had a tropical, mysterious fruit flavor like a Blue Daiquiri or any frozen cocktail with curaçao in it… something you would drink on a cruise or stumbling the Vegas Strip. While it didn’t get me drunk, it definitely gave me the shakes because I ate seven blue dolphins during this review.
Yellow Seahorse (Mango Peach): This one took a little time for me to figure out, but the yellow Trader Joe’s Scandinavian Swimmer tastes like a peach just short of fully ripened. There’s something genuine about this flavor that I admire, even if the sweetness wasn’t quite as strong as I would have liked. It’s definitely less expensive than seahorse meat.
Orange Rockfish (Orange): I won’t pretend to know what a rockfish is. But if these orange Scandinavian Swimmers are any indication, they taste exactly like ripe oranges. No joke. I love oranges but sometimes find them annoying; they’re stringy and they explode juice everywhere. This citrusy gummy is tidy and delivers a similar flavor profile without any nutrition whatsoever. I’m into it. It’s probably less expensive than rockfish, too. Who knows?
Trader Joe’s Scandinavian Swimmers are solid gummy candies. While I wouldn’t rave about them the same way those clairvoyants did, they best Swedish Fish pretty convincingly and are worth a buy if gummies are your thing.
Ability of Trader Joe’s Customers to Read Minds Rating: 9 out of 10
Testicle-Crushing Vegetarian Monster Fish Rating: 0 out of 10
Overall Rating: 7.5 out of 10
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