Though there are no less than 1,000 flavors of Peeps available right now, only 3 interest me greatly. Wanna know which ones?

I don’t know either.

Mystery Peeps! This is one of my favorite days of the Easter season each year. My disdain for Peeps will never trump my love for solving mysteries, so today I’ll be playing the role of fat Sherlock Holmes and will eat candy to put this one to bed once and for all.

Now, I have another tradition I’m excited about. When I reviewed Trader Joe’s Taste Test of Caramels, I accidentally viewed the flavors in advance so I got drunk to forget them. Then when it came time to review last year’s Mystery Peeps, I didn’t know the flavors but decided to get drunk anyway. Just felt right.

So without further adieu… let’s get drunk, eat some weird marshmallows, and figure out what they are. Given Peeps’ track record, my blind guesses are: 1) Fart, 2) Yuck and 3) Sour Fart.

Here’s a video of how it all went down, recorded for my Snapchat audience. Alternatively, a synopsis of each flavor follows.

Mystery Peep #1 of 3

When I first tried Mystery Peep 1 of 3, I didn’t catch any distinct flavor. It just tasted like regular Peeps to me. Wouldn’t that be something, if Peeps brand disguised their regular Peeps as Mystery Peeps just to push more product? I did like the way they paired with the whiskey though.

I ruled out chocolate, fruit, or anything particularly gross. “Gross” was already implied with them just being Peeps. Some of my Snapchat followers started to weigh in with guesses such as “waffles,” “syrup,” “some kind of breakfast pastry,” and “coffee.” Can I just play it safe and call this one “continental breakfast?”  I tried a second one and maple syrup is a pretty good guess. It’s not very bold, but they’re sweet and sugary and maple fits the bill.

Final Guess: Maple syrup.
Other Possibilities: Pancakes, Marshmallows, Garbage, Nothing.

Mystery Peep #2 of 3

Mystery Peep #2 of 3 actually had flavor, so that’s already an improvement. This one is definitely in the fruit family. It tastes like something orange or citrusy to me. They wouldn’t make the package the same color as the flavor – right? It can’t just be orange. It’s kind of bitter but not bitter enough to be grapefruit. Maybe it’s orange soda? Whatever, I’m getting too drunk to care. Watch it be some bullshit like “clementine” or a “tangelo.”

Some Snapchat viewers chimed in. Tyler guessed that it was “Tutti Fruity.” I don’t even know what that is. Then Stephanie called out Tyler and said he ripped “Tutty Fruity’ directly from a website that guessed the flavors. When I called Tyler out on this, he changed his guess to “Fruit Punch.” Fruit punch was the exact next guess on the website that Stephanie sent me. Tyler is a con-artist. Lauren guessed that it was Bacon, but Lauren must be drunker than I am.

Final Guess: Orange Soda
Other Possibilities: Peach, Tangelo, Whatever “Tutti Fruity” Is. 

Mystery Peep #3 of 3

Mystery Peep #3 of 3 is boring. It’s a fruit for sure; how about “Tutti Fruity?” It’s sweet and a little sour at the same time. My first thought was Pineapple but I wasn’t even convinced.

Anthony snapped me confidently that he knew right away it was Grape. I went back for more and Anthony nailed it. Totally grape.

Everybody knows artificial Grape is everyone’s least favorite everything ever.

What an awful way to finish.

Final Guess: Grape
Other Possibilities: Sour Grape, Pineapple

Welp, Mystery Peeps 2017 was a fantastic waste of calories. None of the flavors are particularly exciting and I now have 24 leftover Peeps that I don’t want. But whiskey helps everything, and solving mysteries is always awesome. Couldn’t have done it without you guys.

Feel free to leave your guesses in the comments below!

Solving Mysteries While Drunk Rating: 10 out of 10
Tyler’s Integrity Rating: 0 out of 10
Overall Rating: 5 out of 10

Correct Answers:

Courtesy of a website called “All The Moms,” the 2017 Mystery Peeps Flavors were:

1. Maple Syrup (NAILED IT)
2. Blueberry (WTF)
3. Grape Slush (Half credit…)

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