REVIEW: Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino
From now through April 23rd, Starbucks is selling unicorn diarrhea in a cup.
Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino
Hang on, guys. I’m not saying I’ve tried the Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccinno already and that it tastes like shit. I’m just certain that this is exactly what a unicorn’s stool looks like. For all we know, unicorn diarrhea is magically delicious. There’s really only one way to find out…
Here’s how Starbucks describes its new Unicorn Frappuccino:
“The flavor-changing, color-changing, totally not-made-up Unicorn Frappuccino. Magical flavors start off sweet and fruity transforming to pleasantly sour. Swirl it to reveal a color-changing spectacle of purple and pink. It’s finished with whipped cream-sprinkled pink and blue fairy powders.”
Note that this description doesn’t even say what it is. I tracked down the mythical ingredient list and found Creme Frappuccino syrup, mango syrup, blue drizzle, pink powder, sour blue powder, and whipped cream. One of the ingredients for the “blue drizzle” is white chocolate mocha sauce. Unicorns are CRAZY.
I invite you all to open your minds, open your hearts, and watch me open my mouth and ingest this unicorn fart cloud.
First sip tastes like a Sour Punch Straw and is not what I was expecting. I must have gotten a deposit of the blue syrup that’s spraypainted on the walls and floor of the cup – that’s where most of the sour comes from. Sour blue powder is actually one of the ingredients to the blue drizzle, in addition to being decoration atop the whipped cream for that perfect Instagram photo op.
As for the rest of the drink, it’s pretty stupid. The flavor is alright at first since it’s basically the mango version of a creamiscle. It tastes a lot like a Mango Gelati from Rita’s Italian Ice if that helps you frame it. It approaches refreshing at times, but the sweetness has serious potential to nauseate.
Where the Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino start to get dumb is the sour component. As you stir the drink, the sour blue drizzle is pulled from the walls and combines weirdly with the mango sauce & creme flavor. One barista said it tastes like “mango flavored acid reflux” and she’s not wrong. Mango isn’t the best candidate for a sour version the more I think about it. This drink doesn’t exactly “change color” either; the blue just goes away and the pink changes shades slightly because that’s how mixing colors works.
Despite its shortcomings, I’m still glad I tried some unicorn shit today. It’s an experience like no other, even if it sucks, and you’ll probably get more likes on Instagram than all of your selfies combined.
All Your Selfies Combined Rating: 3 out of 10
Unicorn Fart Clouds Rating: 9.5 out of 10
Overall Rating: 5.5 out of 10
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