Remember when the only cool thing about Thomas’ english muffins were their vaguely sexual-sounding “nooks and crannies”? Thomas used to be like a sweet old grandpa, just trying to make sure you had enough food in your tummy to get through a long day at school. He was a simple man, with simple offerings.

Well, that Thomas is dead. He’s been replaced by a younger, hipper, supercool Thomas, and this new guy is cramming english muffins with everything he can get his hands on. He doesn’t give a shit if it’s healthy or not, he just wants to be awesome. And mission accomplished: on the heels of the fun Bacon Buttermilk Pancake english muffins and the infallible Maple French Toast english muffins, we get the holy grail: Thomas’ S’mores English Muffins!

Thomas' S'mores English Muffins

Thomas’ S’mores English Muffins

I pretty much had an excitement aneurysm over these, because Maple French Toast english muffins were the best thing to happen to my breakfast routine since I discovered you could put bacon in a smoothie.

While s’mores are obviously the best in their natural form, there’s a promising history of artificial s’mores products: namely, S’mores Poptarts (obviously) and Hershey’s S’mores candy bar (RIP). If Thomas gets the ratios done properly, then he might replace the Cookie Crisp dog as my favorite imaginary food spokesperson ever.

Actual s’mores stuff not included, sadly.

Thomas’ S’mores English Muffins smell so amazing right out of the bag that I couldn’t help but devour an untoasted one right there on the spot. For basically being an untoasted piece of bread, it was surprisingly tasty: each of the three s’mores ingredients came through nicely, and the chewiness of the muffin was a pleasant texture. The marshmallow and graham came through clearest, with some subtle cocoa sweetness in there as well. But since only monsters with no self-control eat english muffins untoasted, I popped one in the toaster for a more authentic muffin experience.

Somehow, though, toasting it made it a bit less impressive. I couldn’t discern between the flavors as much anymore, and it just tasted like a generally sweetened english muffin. It was still delicious, but the wow factor was more easily detectable out of the bag. This made me wonder: was there a way to heighten the toasted version to achieve MORE s’moresness?

Has science gone too far?

Yeah, so OBVIOUSLY this was going to happen. I omitted the graham cracker in hopes that the english muffin would be a toasty replacement. I also learned important lessons about how much quicker it takes for chocolate to melt than for a muffin to toast. The english muffin needed a solid 15 minutes to toast up enough, which felt like eternity. I think it’s a side effect of how these aren’t really bread-based products anymore; they are mostly sugar, fun flavors, and edible glue. Once I got the timings down, though, it was a thing of beauty.

Did I say “thing of beauty’? I meant “thing of fatness”.

It was amazing. I felt like Leonardo da Vinci, painting a really obese Mona Lisa. I do wonder if a graham cracker in the middle would have tied everything together into a s’mores nirvana, but I didn’t have any graham crackers at home and I’d already taken off my pants because I got marshmallow all over them.

My iPhone’s “home” button is permanently encrusted with marshmallow now. No regrets.

Thomas’ S’mores English Muffins are a delicious addition to their ridiculous and fun line-up of muffins. Their versatility, and the fact that they allow me to eat candy for breakfast, will no doubt make them a key part of my doctor’s argument for why I need to reevaluate my lifestyle choices.

Thomas, you crazy bastard, I can’t wait to see what you come up with next.

How Awesome It Is to Have A Marshmallow iPhone Rating: 2 out of 10
Cookie Crisp Dog’s Cuteness Rating: 7.5 out of 10
Overall Rating: 8 out of 10

To keep up with all of our product finds and Junk Bantering in real time, follow us on social media at the links below!

: junkbanter

Facebook Comments

2 Responses

  1. JustMe says:

    So, you took your pants off to eat an English muffin. Has this officially become a porn blog? 🙂