Having exhausted everything from Swedish Fish to Peeps, it’s clear that Nabisco is running thin on ideas:

“Heyyyyyyyy… I’ve got an idea…”

“Let’s just do more Thins!”

Do you remember when food was flavored with actual food? I don’t, but Nabisco is here to remind us that there was once a time. It’s back to basics with two new flavors of slimmed-down Oreos: Coconut Oreo Thins and Salted Caramel Oreo Thins.

Even as a huge proponent of complex sideshow flavors, I find it refreshing to see some new varieties that use a single, straightforward flavor that actually makes sense for a cookie. There’s nothing weird or meta about either release (recent flavors have included Mississippi Mud Pie and Cookies & Creme Oreos, which were both pretty much the same thing: regular Oreos).  Coconut and caramel both work beautifully in cookies – fruit punch does not, but Nabisco has tried it.

At the very least, I could sure use some Diet Oreos in a week that also saw Jelly Donut Oreos, Key Lime Pie Oreos, and Blueberry Pie Oreos all release simultaneously.

Nabisco Coconut Oreo Thins

Nabisco Coconut Oreo Thins

I started with the Nabisco Coconut Oreo Thins because coconut is not unchartered waters for the brand. I’ve had the Coconut Delight Oreos from whatever country they hail from, the Toasted Coconut Oreos were low-key one of my favorites all-time, and we even had Coconut Delight Oreo Fudge Cremes for a short time. So how do the Thins fare?

Big coconut smell all up in my face when I opened the package, with obvious hints of cocoa behind it. These are very fragrant cookies that smell sweet and sophisticated – two things I’m not.

But I was a bit letdown when I bit into the Coconut Oreo Thins. The chocolate-coconut combo gets my mind two-thirds of the way to an Almond Joy, but then it hits me that the cocoa wafer is too dark of a chocolate. Kinda just made me crave a candy bar with coconut.

I really do think they hit the coconut creme beautifully with its lightly sweet, crisp and refreshing taste. Coconut flavoring should never be too aggressive and this isn’t – it plays together well with Oreo creme to create a coconut-vanilla hybrid. The problem is that it just doesn’t do that well against this kind of chocolate. It’s too bitter and overpowering for the star flavor to shine. Quickly felt like I was eating a regular Oreo Thin like some kind of lunatic. Who eats regular Oreos in 2017?

People Who Eat Regular Oreos in 2017 Rating: 1 out of 10
Coconut All Up in Yo Face Rating: 6 out of 10
Overall Rating: 6.5 out of 10

Nabisco Salted Caramel Oreo Thins

Nabisco Salted Caramel Oreo Thins

And FINALLY we have a salted caramel flavored Oreo! Salted Caramel Oreos have been on my Fantasy Oreo List for about five years now, so I really hope these are terrible. I feel like I deserve that.

The caramel scent is a bit calmer than the coconut, but we just learned once that it’s not the best predictor of success.

Okay so they’re not terrible like I deserved, but Salted Caramel Oreo Thins fall short on their potential too. The first bite unleashed far more of the much sweeter wafer. The signature sweetness of the Golden Oreo cookie blends together too well with the sweetness of this caramel-flavored creme. It does taste different than the vanilla Golden Oreos, and I appreciate that, but my taste buds were briefly preoccupied with the wafer to appreciate any delicious subtleties of the new salted caramel creme.

A few seconds later is when Salted Caramel Oreo Thins proved their worth. Salty notes emerged late to round out the flavor and that’s when I felt happiest. Pretty tasty stuff after that brief panic. My critique is simply that the creme should be either a) more salty or b) more buttery in order for the salted caramel flavor to knock my socks off like they did in the wet dream I had about them years ago. (My socks fly off whenever I reach orgasm).

I considered scoring these higher because of how much I like that saltiness, but I can’t even endorse these over the delightful Lemon Oreo Thins that debuted last year.

How Much I Deserved These to be Terrible Rating: 9 out of 10
People Who Wear Socks During Any Sexual Activity Whatsoever: 0 out of 10
Overall Rating: 7 out of 10

Certainly the two new flavors of Oreo Thins will satisfy the masses, but both these flavors could have been so much more. In fact, I suspect that all the ingredients are right here before me to be so much more. I loved the coconut creme more than the salted caramel – the creme just needed to be paired with something sweeter. So I plopped that shit right between two Golden Oreo Thins:

SO MUCH BETTER.

Somebody please bring back the Toasted Coconut Oreos, like, yesterday. I’ve been wet-dreaming about them for almost two years now.

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