REVIEW: Trader Joe’s Campfire S’mores Bar

Scene: you’re camping, except you’re not… you hate camping. You’re just here to sit outside, drink beer, maybe have sex in a tent and make some s’mores. Oh yes, you plan to make lots and lots of s’mores.

So you do. But uh oh… you made way too many s’mores. They’re so delicious and so fun to make that you just keep going and going and eating until your stomach hurts. Forget about sex tonight; you need to poop and you need to do it right now.

You dig a hole and let loose:

Trader Joe's Campfire S'mores Bar

Trader Joe’s Campfire S’mores Bar

Trader Joe’s Campfire S’mores Bar looks like a steamy  pile of s’mores shit, and I’ve never been so happy to see some poo in all my years.

Trader Joe’s describes it as a milk chocolate bar “s’mored” with graham crackers and marshmallows. Simple enough, but pictures speak louder than words (or something like that). Just look at this thing: it’s studded with shards of graham cracker and thick marshmallows, and appears to be stuffed with them as well.

It truly is s’mores diarrhea.

Trader Joe's Campfire S'mores Bar

The milk chocolate in Trader Joe’s Campfire S’mores Bar is high-quality and not pooey at all. You’ll have a hard time isolating it because of all the other s’mores stuff in your way, but if you do you’ll notice it’s really creamy and sweet. It’s better than that plain ole’ Hershey’s bar you typically use for s’mores. The graham crackers on top are fresh, crunchy, and full of graham-y goodness, while the marshmallows are fluffy, stretchy, and full of marshmallow-y goodness.

Trader Joe's Campfire S'mores Bar

And look at that beautiful cross-sectional. One of the best parts about Trader Joe’s Campfire S’mores Bar is its balance – all three components are represented equally through the center. The chocolate has a nice snap, the graham crackers give it a nice crunch, and the marshmallows add a nice pillowy softness to some bites. You’ll likely get some different ratios depending on where you bite, but that’s part of the fun.

Trader Joe’s Campfire S’mores Bar is basically portable s’mores without the mess. The only thing holding it back from a true s’mores experience is melty marshmallows, so you may want to consider torching the top first. Or just put it between two graham crackers and microwave the whole damn thing like I did:

Trader Joe's Campfire S'mores Bar Trader Joe's Campfire S'mores Bar

Ladies and gentlemen, that’s how you camp…

S’mores Diarrhea Rating: 9 out of 10
Actual Diarrhea Rating: 0 out of 10
Overall Rating: 8.5 out of 10

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4 Responses

  1. Sam says:

    Damn, mang; we need to establish a hard cap on how many excrement references you’re permitted to make in a FOOD REVIEW. The photos had me halfway out the door headed for Trader Joe’s; the text has me not eating for the rest of the night.

    • Junk Male says:

      The hard cap will be set at 10. Haha, duly noted Sam. By now you’ve probably realized this isn’t the most traditional food review site, and sometimes I just find a hook and roll with it. Feedback noted.

      • Sam says:

        Ha ha…I’m just bustin’ your chops, pal; I’m a longtime reader. I can’t believe you don’t remember me- I’m the guy who made that mildly-snarky comment on that Oreo review you did seven months ago. Surely you haven’t forgotten.