As a child, I couldn’t start my day without a big bowl of sugary cereal.

As an adult man, I can’t start my day without a big cup of coffee.

I may have just found the perfect breakfast for adult man-children like me.

General Mills Mocha Crunch Cereal

General Mills Mocha Crunch Cereal

General Mills Mocha Crunch Cereal! Because why make two separate things when I can just dump ’em in one bowl and move on with my life in half the time?!

General Mills Mocha Crunch Cereal looks exactly like the Girl Scouts Thin Mints Cereal. Let’s hope they didn’t simply add coffee to that one, since my Mom and Grandma both say it would stunt the Girl Scouts’ growth. Also that first sip of coffee after brushing your teeth is one of the worst flavors in all the land.

The smell is as if someone brewed a pot of coffee a few rooms over, filtering it through a cardboard box.

General Mills Mocha Crunch Cereal

I tried Mocha Crunch dry first and I’m pretty sure I have the recipe figured out:

  1. Remove the mint from Girl Scouts Thin Mints Cereal.
  2. Brew some terrible light-roast coffee.
  3. Pour coffee over cereal.
  4. Rinse the cereal with water to get rid of most of the flavor.
  5. Let dry
  6. Voila.

All this is long-hand for “the coffee flavor is too light.” It’s as if the coffee and chocolate flavorings became redundant upon one another rather than combine for a sweet mocha flavor, and then I was just left with corn.

Girl Scouts Thin Mints Cereal

It’s not that General Mills Mocha Crunch is a bad cereal, especially when milk enters the equation. The milk’s creamy, sweet flavor complements both the light coffee flavor that’s present as well as the dark cocoa. The most delicious coffees are the ones with milk, after all, and the combined product starts to hint at a Mocha Frappuccino. But like, barely.

The novelty factor of Mocha Crunch is definitely the coffee portion, and General Mills should have brewed a stronger pot. It’s strange how some bites taste like coffee while others none at all. Taste buds are stupid.

No matter your age, your best bet is still a bowl of children’s cereal with coffee on the side rather than in it.

That’s the way God intended us to grow.

Odds That Coffee Actually Stunts Your Growth: 0.5 out of 10
Coffee Flavored Corn Rating: 2 out of 10
Overall Rating: 6 out of 10

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