Haha, this is the cutest little regicide attempt I’ve ever seen.

Cheez-It is stealing a page from the Lay’s “Do Us A Flavor“ competition with one of their own: “Cheez-It You Choose the Champion.” Basically we have to eat three flavors of cheese and then choose our “champion” by voting for one of Cheez-It Cheese Pizza, Cheez-It Cheeseburger, or Cheez-It Cheddar Nachos.

Of course the true champion, or should I say The King, was never in question. That title belongs to my favorite junk food in all of existence: Extra Toasty Cheez-It. Plain Cheez-Its are already amazing, but Extra Toasty? They’re perfectly salted and burnt a little extra, the best way to consume cheese in my book.

Just to put into perspective how perfect I think Extra Toasty Cheez-Its are, I once got a couple of batches that were a little… defective. Here’s how I responded:

But yeah… I’ll gladly eat some new crackers and humor they’re little attempt to dethrone my King.

Cheez-It Cheese Pizza

First up is Cheez-It Cheese Pizza, the one that should be easiest to pull off. Just add some herbs and tomato powder to some Cheez-Its, right? Touchdown.

Unfortunately, Cheez-It Cheese Pizza fails to deliver within the 30-minute window. The main problem is very uneven seasoning, with most of the Cheez-Its being underseasoned. The few that are browned with seasoning highlight their potential – sufficiently tomato with traces of oregano and onion powder. But many of them are pretty bare, and the result tastes like that last bite of pizza near the edge with not enough sauce and barely any cheese left. Also, the pizza is Ellio’s.

Curiously, these use white cheddar and regular cheddar cheese but no mozzarella. Apparently they don’t have confidence in their very own Italian Four Cheese Cheez-Its, which does have mozzarella.

These taste like pizza crust more than anything else.

Ellio’s Pizza When You’re a Kid Rating: 9 out of 10
Ellio’s Pizza When You’re an Adult Rating: 4 out of 10
Overall Rating: 6.5 out of 10

Cheez-It Cheese Cheeseburger

Next out of the tunnel is Cheez-It Cheeseburger. These scare the shit out of me because of the retired Cheeseburger Goldfish, which had a meat patty-flavored cracker, which I don’t want to talk about anymore.

Luckily the meat component doesn’t receive much emphasis here. Instead, it’s mustard, ketchup, pickles, and onions. More mustard than ketchup. Really, Cheez-It Cheeseburger tastes a lot like a McDonald’s Cheeseburger. It’s an uncanny resemblance, right down to the fact that there’s hardly any meat.

It’s impressive, but the flavor does ware on you after a while. Condiments and toppings can only take you so far.

A McDonald’s Cheeseburger Without Fries Rating: 7 out of 10
A McDonald’s Cheeseburger Without the Toy Rating: 2 out of 10
Overall Rating: 7.5 out of 10

Cheez-It Cheddar Nachos

The final attempter murderer is Cheez-It Cheddar Nachos.

They really could have gone a number of different ways for “nachos.” What I gather is that they went with a slight peppery element, like the jalapeños atop said nachos. Maybe even a chipotle. The cheese is also more sophisticated than that of regular Cheez-Its – something leaning towards a spicy queso dip. The onion powder works enough for the diced onion atop your nachos too. There’s no beef or chicken or any other attempt at meat here, and that’s probably for the best. I enjoy these quite a bit.

All of that said, there’s something a little too “familiar” about Cheese-It Cheddar Nachos. They’re almost like a less bold version of the Cheez-It Grooves Hot & Spicy Cheddar. This didn’t stop me from eating a LOT of them.

Nachos Without Any Protein Rating: 7 out of 10
Nachos In a Box Rating: Impossible out of 10
Overall Rating: 7.5 out of 10

Ha! It’s a tie at the top between Cheeseburger and Cheddar Nachos. I don’t even have to pick a Champion…

Long live Extra Toasty Cheez-Its!!!

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