I think it’s about time we looked ourselves in the mirror…
Earlier this year, Oreo launched the #MyOreoCreation contest. Fans were encouraged to submit their flavor ideas with rules that were loose at best.
From the official contest rules: “Enter by texting your idea that captures the next creation or essence/inspiration of a creation that an Oreo cookie should capture.” One of their actual examples was “singing in the rain,” and the by-laws restricted sexually explicit or suggestive submissions. There went all of my suggestions.
Faced with endless opportunity so long as it didn’t give you a boner, we landed on three finalists. Two of them are drinks, and one is popcorn:
Pina Colada Oreo Thins, Cherry Cola Oreos, and Kettle Corn Oreos…
Now before you go all “EW, OMG WHY,” it’s important to remember that we did this to ourselves. These were OUR suggestions. We, the people!
Let’s break down this down and examine what happens when we’re left to our own devices:
Pina Colada Oreo Thins
Pina Colada Oreo Thins feature the golden wafer and a pina colada flavored creme, aka pineapple and coconut. In a best case scenario, they will taste similar to the amazing Toasted Coconut Oreos from 2015. In a more likely scenario, they will taste bad because we are not good at this.
There is no alcohol in Pina Colada Oreo Thins, therefore I am not particularly interested.
Cherry Cola Oreos
Cherry Cola Oreos feature the chocolate wafer with a cherry cola flavored creme and popping candy, last seen in Fireworks Oreos. The popping candy will help emulate the fizz of a carbonated beverage. These will be good for people that prefer to dunk their Oreos in Pepsi instead of milk.
In other words, no one.
Kettle Corn Oreos
Kettle Corn Oreos feature the golden wafer with a kettle corn flavored creme and puffed millet bits. I Googled “puffed millet bits” and was directed to hundreds of sites selling bird food. That’s all I have to say.
It’s clear that Oreo had to sift through some real shit suggestions, and this is where we are now.
All three flavors will appear on shelves in May 2018, and will remain there until they wither away and die just in time for the 2019 #MyOreoCreation contest to start. Fans will get to vote for one winning flavor likely to be produced again in the future, but none of us will buy them.
I’ve never been more unaroused in my life.
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