Valentine’s Day is all about expressing love for your partner – definitely emotionally, and hopefully physically.

But let’s be honest with each other, fellas: we’re all just trying to get to the physical part. It’s pretty much one of two days a year (the other being your birthday) that she’s contractually obligated to endure your stupid hornball desires, so long as you don’t screw up on the emotional part (which you probably will).

Significantly increase your chances of getting laid this Valentine’s Day by gifting her the sexiest Lindt LINDOR truffle ever released:

Lindt LINDOR Red Velvet Truffles

Lindt LINDOR Red Velvet Truffles

No flavor says “I’m here to f*ck” quite like Red Velvet, and I am so. here. to. f*ck with these new Lindt LINDOR Red Velvet Truffles.

So let’s get to know her a little first, because that’s usually a good idea, right?

Lindt LINDOR Red Velvet Truffles have a white chocolate shell and a smooth red velvet filling. This combination makes so much sense that it’s impossible to conceive what took so long. But I’m THRILLED that they went with white chocolate instead of the milk chocolate that they often do with limited editions, like the Pumpkin Spice LINDOR Truffles.

I’m also thrilled that the truffles totally look like boobs.

Lindt LINDOR Red Velvet Truffles

If you didn’t want to f*ck something before, you do now.

Ladies, when you get down and dirty with the boob truffles we gifted you, you’ll soon find out the filling isn’t the lusciously bright red that you probably anticipated with red velvet cake. The profile pic was mostly smoke and mirrors, and the reality a bit of a disappointment.

But by now you probably realize we lie to you all the time…

Lindt LINDOR Red Velvet Truffles

“My penis is huge! You’ll see…”

The taste is a bit of a letdown too, but we’ve certainly done far, far worse.

So, the white chocolate shell is great. Lindt has one of my favorite white chocolates out there, and its richness and the rate at which it melts into a pseudo-frosting would be a splendid complement to a red velvet cake flavor.

But unfortunately, there is none.

The filling inside of Lindt LINDOR Red Velvet truffles tastes just like milk chocolate as best as I can tell. The chocolate doesn’t taste richer or darker, and there’s no tanginess in the combination of white chocolate shell and the chocolate filling that calls to mind the cream cheese or buttercream frosting you’d find on the cake. The center is a smooth and wonderful chocolate, but it’s absolutely not red velvet.

Now, all of that said, these are great, high-quality truffles that you can’t get too mad about. All of the points lost are for not tasting like the cake for which they’re named. It’s just kind of lazy.

But you should be used to that by now, too…

Please have sex with me anyway.

Odds I Blew It Rating: 9 out of 10
How Nice I Bet Sex Is Rating: 10 out of 10
Overall Rating: 7 out of 10

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11 Responses

  1. Jennifer says:

    Lmao! Never laughed so hard.. although, I’m bummed that these don’t taste like actual red velvet cake! 🙁 Oh well, you’re absolutely correct in saying they’re very delicious chocolates regardless of flavor. Bonus points for them being white chocolate though! 😊 Thanks for the review!

  2. Sheila says:

    Snack blogs rarely make me blush. Thanks for the experience!

    • Junk Male says:

      If I made you blush, that is definitely the most I have ever done to a woman. SCORE ONE FOR JUNK BANTER, BABY.

  3. Yesica says:

    I’m just here because I was promised a good time!

  4. Mayra says:

    I really enjoyed this review! you had me at the picture of the chocolate boobs! Can’t wait to try them, also a little disappointed that it wasn’t red inside or had any actual cake.

  5. Alyssa says:

    Every girl needs a couple (chocolate) balls to pop into her mouth on Valentine’s Day right? And the way the chocolate is shown drizzling down onto the truffle…definitely a good time had by all, red velvet cake or not 😂

  6. Junk Male says:

    Alyssa… I think you and I should get married. And you’re right, the packaging is basically a moneyshot.