Let’s face it: mornings are a drag. Off the edge of your bed, outside your mountain of blankets lies an endless ocean of responsibility. Work, perhaps. School. THE POST OFFICE.
The temptation is still pervasive, but long gone are the days where you could just stay in bed and play video games all day. It’s just so hard to find inspiration to get up and get going each day.
Well, there are few things more motivating than a fat Italian plumber screaming “Let’s-a Go!” in your face.
New Kellogg’s Super Mario Cereal! Because if you can’t play your video games anymore, you might as well eat them for breakfast.
So what does the Mushroom Kingdom taste like? Not mushrooms believe it or not, but rather a mixed berry flavored cereal with marshmallows. Mario Lucky Charms, in other words. The whole grain oat pieces are star-shaped, while the “power-up marshmallows” are the yellow coin box, the green 1-Up Mushroom, and I think the red one is a hat, because in the new Super Mario game, Mario has a talking hat with super powers. He also flies around the universe in a gigantic hat-shaped ship.
Don’t you wish you could stay in bed all day and figure out the WHY to these things?
Years of Mario knowledge – useless until this very moment – came flooding back to me as I poured my bowl of Super Mario Cereal. Suddenly I became cautious, as many awful things could happen to me when I took my first bite. The marshmallows might be the poison mushroom, and I could shrink and then get smushed. I could fall off a cliff and not have enough green marshmallows to continue living. Even worse, Bowser might come steal my cereal, along with my fiancé, and I would be rendered breakfast-less. Loveless, too, but most importantly… breakfast-less.
Before I could weigh all the consequences, I noticed I was already five spoonfuls in because my brother stole the controller and just kept jamming the “A” button.
The mixed berry flavor is a refreshing change of pace from the litany of Lucky Charms knockoffs out there. It’s a little understated and weaker than, say, Berry Berry Kix as a point of reference. But it’s a little tart, a little more interesting than pure whole grain oats, and otherwise unoffensive.
The power-up marshmallows are big and bright and almost on-par with the flavor of Lucky Charms marshmallows. Their frequency could be higher, but their larger size partially compensates for this. Their consumption brought none of the adverse effects I hypothesized above, but future real-life me is pretty much a lock for Type 2 diabetes.
In milk, the mixed berry flavor fades slightly, but the power-up marshmallows POWER THE F*CK UP and get sweeter and more delicious. I guess I’ll take that trade-off.
Unlike real-life responsibility, the new Super Mario Cereal is pretty cool. It tastes decent, it’s got some cool games on the back of the box, and it will make a great gift for children. The box even serves as an Amiibo to unlock bonus content for Super Mario Odyssey on Nintendo Switch, which is something I’ll be doing because I’m forever five years old.
Now to just convince my Mom that I’m sick and need to stay home…
Odds I Ever Move Out of My Mom’s House Rating: 1 out of 10
How Much Bowser Is Kind of a Dick Rating: 10 out of 10
Overall Rating: 7 out of 10
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