Give me 100 hours. Give me 100 attempts. Give me 100 phone-a-friends.

I would never, ever be able to conceive a more “Frankenstein” product than this right here.

Sour Patch Kids Go-Gurt

Sour Patch Kids Go-Gurt

Sour gummy flavored yogurt.

…in a tube.

Just when you weren’t sure if Go-Gurt even existed anymore, this new Sour Patch Kids Go-Gurt is here to let you know the brand is alive, well, and somehow weirder than ever before.

I never really understood Go-Gurt’s place in society. Many people already struggle to enjoy yogurt when they can sit down and eat it properly with a spoon. I’m not sure that putting it in a tube really improves portability, convenience, or cool factor…

It just forces you to squeeze it down the back of your throat like a GD porn star.

I would f*ck so hard for a spoon right now.

Nevertheless, Sour Patch Kids Go-Gurt exists, and I have little choice but to take it down like a champ.

Sour Patch Kids Go-Gurt has two flavors in one box: Blue Raspberry, and “Redberry.”

Blue Raspberry Sour Patch Kids Go-Gurt

Sour Patch Kids Go-Gurt

Go-Gurt presents a unique food photography conundrum. 

Ugh, I feel so much shame – not because I just did my best Jenna Jameson impersonation, but because I quite enjoy this blue raspberry gummy candy flavored yogurt-stuff in a tube.

This blue raspberry semen is incredible.

The Blue Raspberry Sour Patch Kids Go-Gurt is so delightfully “sour patch” with just the right amount of Pixy Stix. You might be thinking: “why would I want my yogurt to be sour?” Well all yogurt is kind of sour, you dummy, so this fit actually makes a lot more sense than we all might have thought initially. The sour is both prominent and delicate at the same time.

Best of all, it’s not sickly sweet like a lot of yogurts because the sour tempers it. It’s sufficiently sweetened, enough to taste like the candy.

I hate how much I love this.

My Jenna Jameson Impersonation Rating: 6 out of 10
How Much I Hate Myself Right Now Rating: 9 out of 10
Overall Rating: 8.5 out of 10

Redberry Sour Patch Kids Go-Gurt

Sour Patch Kids Go-Gurt

Dammit, I like the red tube-gunk too, just not as much.

The sour, surprisingly satisfying as it may be, is the only thing separating Redberry Sour Patch Kids Go-Gurt from the litany of cherry, black cherry, strawberry, raspberry, and mixed berry yogurts flooding store shelves. The novelty of the blue raspberry flavor is what makes it the more desirable of the two, as this feels a little too familiar for me to blow my Go-Gurt over.

It’s still quite successful as a Sour Patch flavor, however. The strength of both is how well they infused a sour-candy flavor into yogurt without making people think their Go-Gurts were spoiled. It’s a fine line, and Yoplait walked it well.

Vagueness of “Redberry” Rating: 10 out of 10
How Many Semens Jokes Are Too Many For A Food Review Rating: 1 out of 10
Overall Rating: 7.5 out of 10

I still don’t understand tubed yogurt, but I definitely understand now why Sour Patch Kids yogurt exists.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go take a shower and wash this shame off my face.

…there’s Go-Gurt in my nose.

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1 Response

  1. Sterling says:

    Tubed yogurt exists to easily shove yogurt into small children’s pieholes. It also makes amazing frozen yogurt pops.

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