We all know maple syrup as the delicious glue that holds our carb calories together, but have you guys ever tried pesticides?

Spoiler alert: you have!

General Mills Maple Cheerios

I’m being facetious of course, but I’ve got to address some bullshit before getting into these new Maple Cheerios.

Cheerios – and basically every other breakfast under the sun – recently came under fire for containing glyphosate. Glyphosate is an ingredient used in Roundup –  the most widely used pesticide in the U.S. Pesticides are used pre-harvest by farmers across the country, but companies cleanse the oats before producing food for your mouth. Trace amounts may remain.

The fear here stems from an Environmental Working Group (EWG) study and accompanying report with this alarmist headline: “Weed Killer in $289 Million Cancer Verdict Found in Oat Cereal and Granola Bars.“ The EWG goes on to say that glyphosate is linked to cancer, and that some cereals (such as Cheerios) contain a hefty dose of the weed-killing poison.

This is, of course, bullshit.

Let’s begin with the “link to cancer” bullshit. The World Health Organization said a couple years ago that glyphosate is “probably” a carcinogen. They said this because very limited testing with animals revealed a possible link between the two. Who would have ever thought that a pesticide – a product designed to kill bugs – was harmful to animals? Groundbreaking stuff. Years of testing has shown it is almost definitely not carcinogenic to humans at all – a stance that the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) has backed.

Next we have the “hefty dose” bullshit. The EPA has regulations for the amount of herbicide it says is safe to consume. Sure, maybe the EPA ought to reassess its limits to confirm their accuracy, but an adult would have to eat no less than 118 pounds of the food item every day for the rest of their life in order to reach the EPA’s current limit. These numbers translate to 9 ½ servings every hour of the day without sleep for a person’s entire life for those items testing at the highest level, and significantly more than that for Cheerios. While this sounds like my dream life, I would surely die of a billion other health problems not named “cancer” if I chose to live it.

By the way, if you’re the type of person who will avoid any level of anything possibly carcinogenic for the rest of your lives, here’s a list of other things linked to cancer you’ll need to avoid:

• The sun.
• Not enough sun.
• Sunscreen.
• Your cell phone.
• Oral sex.
• Facebook.
• Birth control.
• Alcohol.
• Being related to your family.

That said, I’ll take my chances with these new Maple Cheerios – no matter how much Roundup they contain (BASICALLY NONE).

Maple Cheerios is made with whole grain oats, real maple syrup, and probably a little pesticide.

Temper your expectations if you were expecting a huge maple flavor like I was hoping for. When you eat this cereal dry, you’ll find a lot of similarities to other Cheerios varieties. Maple Cheerios most reminds me of Honey Nut Cheerios with a less poignant sweetness, and a little bit of Multi Grain Cheerios mixed in. The maple syrup is an effective sweetening agent more than it is a full-blown flavor profile, with this cereal carrying far less specialty flavor than some relatives like Pumpkin Spice Cheerios, Peach Cheerios, and Chocolate Peanut Butter Cheerios.

That said, it’s convincingly better than plain old regular Cheerios.

In milk is where Maple Cheerios really started to lose me. The flavors start to normalize back to just “Cheerios and sugar”, and once it succumbs to some mushiness, it becomes pretty boring pretty quickly. Any regular Cheerios lovers out there – probably a very boring yet responsible adult – will find this cereal rather familiar, but a solid upgrade nonetheless.

Personally, I think it would benefit from a lot more flavor.

…where’s that Roundup?

People Who Think Everything Gives You Cancer Rating: 0 out of 10
Eating Poison for Breakfast Rating: You’re Gonna Be Fine out of 10
Overall Rating: 6.5 out of 10

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