There’s little room to debate that the two biggest villians of 2020 are COVID-19 and systemic racism.

And in my mind? The debate for the THIRD biggest villain of 2020 is pretty cut and dry too…

It’s candy corn.

Allow me to explain…

You see, ALL YEAR, we’ve been forced to stay inside our homes. And you know what I’ve done? Pretty much nothing but eat, against my better judgment most of the time because THERE’S NOTHING ELSE TO DO.

But there’s still ONE DAY on the calendar where that’s EXACTLY what I want to do. It’s my favorite day of the year for obvious reasons. I park my fat ass on the couch, put on some football, and indulge in all my favorite comfort foods like I don’t want to live to see tomorrow.

But CANDY CORN IS TRYING TO RUIN ALL MY FOND MEMORIES OF THESE FOODS WITH THIS POISON:

Brach’s Turkey Dinner Candy Corn

No, you’re not reading that wrong! “BRACH’S TURKEY DINNER CANDY CORN.” In the following flavors:

• Green Beans
• Roasted Turkey
• Cranberry Sauce
• Ginger Glazed Carrots
• Sweet Potato Pie
• Stuffing

Brach’s, with all due respect… you can go to hell and feed this to the devil.

WHERE DO I EVEN START WHEN I DON’T WANT TO EAT ANY OF THEM?

Aside from the biggest crime that these even exist, do you want to know the cruel thing about Brach’s Turkey Dinner Candy Corn? Let’s say, by some miracle, you actually like one or two of the flavors. You’re most likely shit out of luck when you go digging for them, because four of the six flavors are maddeningly difficult to tell apart because most Thanksgiving flavors share the same color palette: a dull assortment of browns, tans, oranges and off-yellow.

I’ll fast forward to the part where I’ve already tried them all in the name of science. Now that I’ve already taken the bullet for all of you, here’s my guide for torturing yourself:

Featured in order from left to right in the above photo:

1. Green Beans (the green one). It shouldn’t come as a surprise that Brach’s first ever vegetable candy corn isn’t a good one!  It tastes like pure grass with strong hints of shame. It’s inedible.
   .
2. Roasted Turkey (white bottom, brown top). It’s not a good sign that I liked this one the best. The flavoring is actually impressively turkey & gravy. The problem is that it’s also candy corn. Think of this as the glob of dried out gravy and turkey fat stuck to the side of the gravy boat when you’re too full to eat anymore.
   .
3. Cranberry Sauce (the red one). It tastes like ChapStick.
   .
4. Ginger Glazed Carrots (the two-toned orange one). This is up there for one of the worst things I’ve ever eaten. Honest to God, I spit it out. It tastes like the end of the carrot that you’re not supposed to eat, with extra dirt. Then that’s followed immediately by raw ginger root. Bravo, Brach’s. This is repulsive.
   .
5. Sweet Potato Pie (orange bottom, white top). This one should have been good. It’s not. Imagine biting into an unwashed sweet potato. Then you go to squirt some whipped cream into your mouth, but the bottle is empty.
   .
6. Stuffing (yellow bottom, brown top). Guys, I just don’t have any more words. It tastes like vomit and parsley.

If 2020 was a product, it would be Brach’s Turkey Dinner Candy Corn.

Burning Questions:

1. You’re shitting me, this is real? Unfortunately.
2. Why? Because 2020.
3. Can you rank each flavor? They’re all tied for last.

Place of Purchase: Hell

Rating: 0 out of 10

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