I know what you’re thinking…
Great, a strawberry shortcake that cuts the roof of my mouth…
Cap’n Crunch’s Strawberry Shortcake Crunch
Cap’n Crunch’s Strawberry Shortcake Crunch
But did you know there’s a reason the cereal declares war on your gums, and that many of our PARENTS are to blame?
You see, way back in the 1960s, market research indicated that kids hated soggy cereal. Cap’n Crunch was launched in 1962 with a specific corn & oat mixture, sugar-coating, and a pillowy shape that all guaranteed a colossal crunch that held steady even in milk. Though not listed on the ingredients, each cereal piece also contains thousands of microscopic razor blades that wreak havoc on its victims.
To really drive home the “crunch” element, the cereal was named Cap’n Crunch and a cartoon mascot was created with the same name (full name Horatio Q. Crunch). Its very first commercial from 1963 drove home the point further:
Upwards of 50 variations would launch in the 50+ years since the original’s debut, and all of them are lethal weapons.
They’re also usually delicious, which is why I’m stoked to eat this new Cap’n Crunch Strawberry Shortcake Crunch no matter how much gauze I need to eat afterwards.
Strawberry Shortcake Crunch is only available in the big ole’ booty bags at Walmart.
Ok, so the Cap’n may or may not be good at navigating bodies of water (he’s literally never out there). But I do know one thing for certain: he is horrible at constructing cakes.
This “strawberry” shortcake is actually a Crunch Berry shortcake. Unfortunately, Crunch Berries don’t taste like strawberry in any significant way, and they didn’t add any special flavoring to them. Just plain ole’ Crunch Berries, and too many of them.
The round pieces are like unsprinkled Sprinkled Donut Crunch with less flavor. The flavor they do possess is pretty much identical to regular Cap’n Crunch, and when you add that to the berries… you are left with Cap’n Crunch Berries. The round pieces need some kind of special vanilla, whipped cream, or cake flavor to make this cereal different, but Cap’n didn’t even bother.
Now I do think this cereal is better in milk because it begins to soften A LITTLE BIT (more appropriate for cake), and the milk is adding some creamy element that is sorely absent from this strawberry shortcake. This cereal shortcake is Oops! All Berries; Whoops! No Cake.
There’s not much to see here, and now I have 45 lbs. of it.
It’s still sharp as shit though, so thanks, Mom and Dad.
Burning Questions:
- Why is this only in the huge bags? Because the Cap’n is kind of a dick.
- How did you know his real name was Horatio? Because I know things.
- Did you know that you’re the biggest loser on the Internet? I’m aware.
Place of Purchase: Walmart
Rating: 5.5 out of 10
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