One of the many great things about the holiday season is our propensity to dip whatever we could get our grubby little paws on into chocolate. Like, literally, anything. Wanna impress your friends at the next holiday get together? Fry up some bacon and dip it in chocolate. And then dip that into sprinkles. When you arrive at the party, put it on the table between the chocolate dipped marshmallows and chocolate dipped pretzel rods. Then please invite me to the party. Seriously, just give me a call. My phone number is 1-800-FAT-F#CK.

I’m not sure why, but I nearly LOL’d when I first saw Fudge Covered Ritz crackers a few years ago. It doesn’t sound gross, but it just seemed desperate to me.

Ritz crackers, with all their flaky, buttery goodness, are the best mass-produced cracker on the market – that’s not even up for debate. But unless I’m throwing a fancy wine and cheese party or having Rihanna over for dinner or something, Ritz crackers never end up in my shopping cart. Put them in front of me and I’ll gladly snack on them, but something is just unsexy about the Ritz cracker that leaves it firmly entrenched in the portion of my brain that gets completely overlooked every time I go grocery shopping.

Well, nothing is sexier than enrobing things in chocolate, especially not for a food blogger whose actual sex life is best described as “disappointing, if not made up.”

A lot like a night in bed with me, these Fudge Covered Ritz are huge disappointments as well.

Though the package describes a rich, delicious fudge that is “delightfully indulgent,” the fudge exterior is no different than, say, any one of Keebler’s cookies. In fact, I know exactly what these taste like: a more boring version of Keebler’s Deluxe Grahams. The flaky Ritz cracker, though, make them even more lightweight and airy than those cookies. So let’s say, “stale Keebler’s Deluxe Grahams.” Not the best effort.

The fudge overpowers all the things that make a traditional Ritz cracker great. Fudge Covered Ritz are crackers that are trying to be cookies, but fail miserably at it. So I’m going to put them back in their place by treating them like actual crackers and topping them with a variety of items.

1) Something Safe: Here we have some peanut butter. This was pretty good! The peanut butter masked some of the things I hated about the product, such as the product itself. 6 out of 10.

2) Something Sweet: Here we have a a homemade pumpkin cheesecake with salted caramel and a gingersnap cookie crust. Delicious, but the cracker did nothing but add another 40 calories to what I assume was about 500 to begin with. 7 out of 10.

3) Something Salty: Here we have a slice of peppered salami. It tastes exactly like crunchy peppered salami. 8 out of 10.

4) Soup: Here we have some butternut squash soup. Together, this was legitimately one of the worst things I’ve ever eaten. 0 out of 10.

I’m a little perplexed how Fudge Covered Ritz continue to return year after year. People must keep buying them, either because their taste buds are broken or because it’s easy to get swept into the excitement of holiday-themed goods. If nothing else, they reminded me what a disgusting human being I am (see the image above), and that I should probably eat more salad (hold the chocolate).

If you enjoy being disgusting and hating yourself, definitely give these Fudge Covered Ritz a shot.

How Many Invites I Will Get To Your Holiday Party Rating: 0 out of 10
How Much Of A 1-800-FAT-F#CK I Am Rating: 10 out of 10
Overall Rating: 4 out of 10

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