Can somebody please release a pumpkin salad so I can get my life together? Hmm… What’s that? Trader Joe’s HAS released a pumpkin salad? That’s neat! Anyway, tonight we will be reviewing three gigantic chocolate candy bars that are flavored like pies.

Historically, pie flavors are difficult to capture in a candy. See: Pecan Pie M&Ms. To recreate all elements of a pie – the complex ingredients in the fillings, the buttery crust, and whatever toppings your pie recipe calls for – is a bold endeavor. Usually, the chocolate in the candy is simply infused with an artificial flavoring that attempts to capture everything simultaneously. These Russell Stover Big Bites are enticing because they include a graham cracker base that, in theory, lends itself to a true pie experience. Kudos to Russell Stover, but we’re going to take it to the next level and serve these exactly as we would real pie.

Russell Stover Pecan Pie Big Bite is described as “pecan pie center in milk chocolate with pecans & graham cracker.” Once I picked this up, the graham cracker fell off as did all of the pecans. Great start, Russell Stover. Between the milk chocolate and the sweet filling, this candy bar is just too sweet to enjoy. The pecan pie center is a novel attempt, but falls short. It’s got the earthy nuttiness of pecans, even though all of my actual pecans are now splattered about my carpet. The flavor quickly fades to caramel, which isn’t even an ingredient. Just wave after wave of sweetness here. I tried eating it with the graham cracker, but it comes out of the package stale as all Hell. It was even worse with the graham cracker. I’ll throw it a bone for a pecan pie-isn filling, but the candy as a whole is a hard pass.

Likelihood of Me Eating Pecans Off My Carpet Rating: I Already Did out of 10
Likelihood Of Me Eating Stale Graham Cracker Rating: Ditto out of 10
Overall Rating: 4 out of 10

Russell Stover Pumpkin Pie Big Bite is described as “pumpkin pie center in milk chocolate & graham cracker.” Nice knowing ya, graham cracker. My graham cracker offed itself, immediately jumping to the floor. Why were these even included? The ingredient list reveals that Russell Stover used “spice cake” mix in the filling. This was their feeble attempt to recreate pumpkin pie spice and it shows. You get generic “spice,” followed my an entire dump truck of sugar that makes the spices obsolete. There are 32g of sugar in this bitch. Luckily there are also 2g of protein, so all you gym rats out there can safely eat 100 of these to hit your macros. I think I’m gonna be sick.

How Much This Tasted Like Pi Rating: 3.14159 out of 10
How Little I Want to Finish This Review Rating: 2 out of 10
Overall Rating: 3.5 out of 10

Russell Stover Apple Pie Big Bite is described as “apple pie center in milk chocolate & graham cracker.” I’ve never had an apple pie smothered in milk chocolate, but I am a garbage dumpster and will literally try anything. Maybe it’s the entire bottle of whipped cream talking, but this is better than the other two. The “apple spice mix” contains sugar, spices, brown sugar, and natural sour apple flavor. The sour apple was a smart choice, offering some welcomed tartness. The spices are bold enough to break through the 33g of sugar that are ravaging my insides as we speak. This tastes like a chocolate-covered candy apple more than apple pie, but this is to be expected from an apple candy completely covered in chocolate. This graham cracker didn’t even survive its journey out of the package, snapping into four parts before it revealed itself. Who is doing quality control on these graham crackers… me? This is still far too sweet. The word sugar appears seven times on the package. Somebody call me an ambulance.

How Many Cavities I Just Got Rating: 8 out of 10
How Many Cavities Are Still Developing Rating: 2 out of 10
Overall Rating: 5 out of 10

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