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“He want that, cake, cake,
Cake, cake, cake, cake, cake,
Cake, cake, cake, cake, cake,
Cake, cake, cake.
I know you wanna bite this;
It’s so enticin’.
Nothin’ else like this,
I’mma make you my bitch.”

Because I woke up super early to go to the gym today (play Candy Crush Saga on the Smith Machine), I felt that I deserved a big ass cookie for all of my sweat and dedication (I finally beat level 350).

I knew my Vitamin Shoppe was getting the new Lenny & Larry’s Birthday Cake Complete Cookie because I’ve gotten to know the staff very well since Lenny & Larry’s announced they shipped the cookies to stores last week. If you’re unfamiliar with Lenny & Larry’s Complete Cookies, they are all-natural vegan cookies with high protein, no dairy, no eggs, no GMOs, and nothing artificial.

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Lenny and Larry’s Complete Cookies are quite popular amongst Team #fitfam, even though nobody knows for sure if they’re any better for you than regular cookies. As long as it’s sold in a nutrition store, that’s good enough for us – anything to not eat another god damned cup of brown nice. I haven’t eaten any carbs at all today in anticipation for this because, off the top of my head, Complete Cookies contain somewhere around 500g of carbohydrates and fit nobody’s macros.

But maybe, just maybe, if I eat one of these cookies I will look like The Rock.

Lenny and Larry’s Birthday Cake Complete Cookies contain the usual Complete Cookie ingredients plus vanilla flavor, sprinkles, and butter flavor to replicate a golden birthday cake. The texture is softer than many of the Complete Cookie flavors, but still dense enough to hold 7 party candles that I inserted to get a good photo-op for Instagram.

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It’s still more fragile and breaks apart into crumbs more easily than others, so don’t try to eat one in the car like I did or you might end up spending your birthday in the hospital. The cookie has colorful sprinkles made out of 10 different things including vegetable fat and paprika. Yum! Does it taste anything like a delicious birthday cake?

Think back to the worst birthday party you ever had. This is probably the cake that was served.

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I’m sorry Lenny, I’m sorry Larry, and I’m sorry Team #fitfam, but I am not a fan of Lenny and Larry’s Birthday Cake Complete Cookie for one simple reason. It tastes exactly like Play-Doh. Go ahead and make fun of me for knowing what Play-Doh tastes like (it’s nontoxic and you’ve totally done it), but I cannot ignore the fact that the lead flavor here is Play-Doh. I feel like I’m playing The Grape Escape, was too into it to break for lunch, and just ate my little clay monster. That’s a loss, if you’re keeping score at home.

When some of the initial flavor subsides, I get what they were going for – a vanilla backdrop, a little bit of salt, and a little bit of sweetness. Problem is, it’s too much salt and it’s not enough sweet. For all that cane sugar used, I didn’t get the sweetness necessary for me to think “birthday cake.” All I could think about was Play-Doh.

There are going to be people who love Lenny & Larry’s Birthday Cake Complete Cookie; I am not one of them. Maybe I’m just the special person who ate too much Play-Doh as a kid and whose palate is forever tainted. The irony of using an all-natural recipe that lands on something so artificial is palpable…

If Lenny and/or Larry accidentally stumble across our blog, take solace that nobody is reading this – not even you.

And with that, I bid you all (nobody) adieu.

Happy Birthday…. 🙁

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How Hard The Grape Escape Is When You Eat All Your Pawns Rating: 9.5 out of 10
How Much I Look and Feel Like The Rock Rating: 2.5 out of 10
Overall Rating: 3.5 out of 10


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