REVIEW: Sugar Cookie Toast Crunch!
Every once in a blue moon, a product is released that transcends reason. Maybe it was released at the perfect time of year or, better yet, at the perfect time in your life. It doesn’t need to be food – it could be your favorite childhood toy, your favorite terrible movie, or an article of clothing that made a whole lot of sense at the time but that is objectively hideous. Something about that product (tangible or intangible) makes it extremely special to you, and nothing will ever soften your enthusiasm about it. For me, we’re talking about God damned delicious amazing perfect Sugar Cookie Toast Crunch.
Last winter, General Mills released Sugar Cookie Toast Crunch and my life changed forever. This was before my pre-blogging life, but square in the middle of my all-the-time fatass life. My roommate was obsessed with all things Christmas, and her and I were sold upon our first glance at the box art. We worked hard to decorate our real Christmas tree and rewarded ourselves with gigantic bowls of Sugar Cookie Toast Crunch for all of our labors. We were in love; not with each other, but with Sugar Cookie Toast Crunch. Then it disappeared, far too soon. We knew it was limited edition for the holidays, but we were too busy eating it to realize we should have stocked up. I begged for it to return, and even professed my love for it when I reviewed Frosted Sugar Cookie Pop Tarts in October. In nothing short of a Christmas miracle, it returned in 2015:
It’s not fair to just review the taste of this cereal. Sugar Cookie Toast Crunch is so much more that that. Do me a favor: say “Sugar Cookie Toast Crunch” aloud. Go ahead. Your ears become heavy-duty magnets that stretch your lips into the biggest shit-eating grin you could ever imagine. You already hold Cinnamon Toast Crunch in the highest regard because it’s one of the best breakfast cereals of all-time, and you already hold sugar cookies in the highest regard because you associate them with the holidays – which you also hold in the highest regard because you get free stuff. Plus, LOOK AT THOSE ADORABLE PIECES OF CEREAL WITH CHRISTMAS HATS ON. I can’t wait any longer.
I don’t even care what Sugar Cookie Toast Crunch tastes like, but it happens to taste really damn sensational. The little pieces of toasted Heaven are supremely crispy and covered in a fine Christmas snowfall. The flavor is that of vanilla and all things sugar cookie. They have a biscuity, shortbread-like quality as well. Pouring milk on your Sugar Cookie Toast Crunch results in the best Christmas present you’ll receive this year. It becomes sweeter and twice as perfect.
The enthusiasm I have for this cereal rivals that which I had when my parents surprised me with a Nintendo 64 for Christmas in 1996. If Nintendo would release a Sugar Cookie Toast Crunch video game where all you did was eat Sugar Cookie Toast Crunch to rack up points, I would never leave my house again. I love this cereal so much that it’s the current background on my phone, I designed a T-Shirt with its logo, and I’ve been incorporating it into every meal.
If you like smiling, happy stuff, and pure bliss, you need to pick up Sugar Cookie Toast Crunch and experience it for yourself. Or better yet, don’t; I want to buy all the boxes on the planet. I’ve previously stated on this blog that if Sugar Cookie Toast Crunch were to return this year, I would give it an unfathomable rating. This cereal breaks all the rules of traditional scoring here at Junk Banter. It is with great honor that I award Sugar Cookie Toast Crunch the following, irrefutable ratings:
How Much My Face Hurts From Smiling Too Much Rating: 10 out of 10
How Many “X’s” Before The “L” In My T-Shirt Size Rating: 10 out of 10
Overall Rating: 100 out of 10