Tonight we’re going to have our cake and eat it, too.

Or should I say “two!”

Tonight we’re going to eat two birthday cakes. Well, two birthday-cake flavored protein bars, anyway… one for each push-up I did in my max set at the gym this morning. Our two competitors will be the MusclePharm Combat Crunch Birthday Cake bar and the brand new OhYeah! ONE Birthday Cake bar.

Fitness freaks like me (I highly doubt you believe that I am one) are a crazy breed. Because many of us believe in diets that consist exclusively of grilled chicken, steamed broccoli, and brown rice, we constantly have to battle temptation and resist life’s finer indulgences, such as cake. Swearing off them entirely yields fantastic results in the short-term, but deprive yourself for too long and you, too, may end up launching a junk food blog where you just eat everything ever created.

The real fun, though, is that there are some crazy awesome flavors of protein bars, powders, and nut butters to make you feel like you are alive inside. Birthday cake has emerged as a popular flavor for these vehicles, and Lenny & Larry’s even released a healthy-ish Birthday Cake Complete Cookie (though I rather not talk about it). This past summer, MusclePharm launched the Combat Crunch Birthday Cake flavor protein bar.

We’ll begin there because of its seniority.

Combat Crunch Birthday Cake

Combat Crunch Birthday Cake is a multi-layered baked protein bar that boasts “superior taste and a softer texture.” Weighing in at 210 calories, it is high in protein (20g) and low in net carbs (12g after you subtract the 12g of fiber and 1g sugar alcohol). The packaging compares its texture to a soft-batch cookie while taking a knock at “hard-paste, taffy-like” sports bars. Rough day to be an actual taffy maker. The prebiotic fiber source in these bars is the sweet, sweet IMO, which will make many Quest Bar fans happy after Quest switched from IMOs to soluble corn fiber with a perceived decline in quality.

(Read Also: Review of Every Quest Bar Ever Created)

The pearled fun-fetti sprinkles on these bars are a whimsical touch, which makes biting into the Combat Crunch Birthday Cake bar a ton of fun. The taste? Kind of vanilla with a frosting-like vibe. Oh, hey, wait a minute…that’s birthday cake! A very creamy mouthfeel here makes this feel like birthday cake, especially for a protein bar.

The more I ate though, the more I got something of citrusy acidic element. It helps prevent Combat Crunch Birthday Cake from being too sweet but it also ind of tastes like Froot Loops. As far as the texture goes, I’m not so sure they were fair to compare it to a “soft-cookie.” The bar is a pretty dense chew which has me thinking about taffy after they put it in my head. Hey, I don’t hate taffy, and I definitely do not hate this protein bar.

Happy Birthday, MusclePharm! You get my fat stamp of approval.

How Many Fat Thumbs Up I Give This Rating: 2 out of 10
How Many Scales I’ve Broken In the Last Month Rating: 1 out of 10
Overall Rating: 7.5 out of 10

OhYeah! One Birthday Cake

Next up is the newly released OhYeah! ONE Birthday Cake bar, which is really annoying to type out with the obnoxious use of CAPS. The “ONE” stands for 1g of sugar, compared to the 5g of sugar in the Combat Crunch Birthday Cake bar. This lack of sugar makes it by far the healthiest thing I’ve ever eaten on the blog, which is great news for the artists-formerly-known-as my abs.

With a slight weight advantage at 220 calories, the OhYeah! ONE Birthday Cake bar features 21g of protein and only 5g of net carbs (24g of carbs minus 9g of fiber minus 10g of sugar alcohol). Is that how net carbs work? Sugar alcohols sound fantastic. This bar also uses IMOs and HOLY SHIT, there’s “confectioner’s glaze” as an ingredient! Very little not to like about the OhYeah! ONE Birthday Cake on paper.

Very little not to like in your mouth, too. Good God. I demolished this entire bar before I typed everything I’m about to say. This bar leads with a softer chew than Combat Crunch The real sprinkles on top add a playful grit to keep this party rockin’. You’ve got two flavors here – vanilla frosting and sprinkles. That’s it. This is what a birthday cake tastes like

Just order a box right now. I can’t describe it any further because I inhaled it. I just know that I loved it, and that I love confectioner’s glaze, and that I love pretending that I’m healthy by eating multiple birthday cake protein bars in one sitting.

Here’s your only criticism of OhYeah! ONE Birthday Cake – sprinkles will be flying all out of the package all up in your face and shit. There’s also so many of them on the bar that if you don’t love the taste of sprinkles, you’ll be turned off. Me? I’m turned on, literally.

It’s Not Even My Birthday Rating: 10 out of 10
But He Wanna Like That Icing Off Rating: 10 out of 10
Overall Rating: 9.5 out of 10

Since many people have asked where I get my OhYeah! ONE Birthday Cake bars, I simply ordered mine off Amazon.com. You can order a box of 12 here! http://amzn.to/1UUSrFv. Alternatively, this flavor was recently picked up at Vitamin Shoppes across the U.S.