REVIEW: Ritz Ultimate Butter Crackers

I’m certain of it… Nabisco is just trolling us at this point. In epic displays of food redundancy, Nabisco has already released Cookies & Cream Oreos and Even Thinner Wheat Thins. What kind of sick twisted jokes are these? I picture one immature Nabisco executive with a whole lot of control, pitching these ideas while giggling like an idiot, while everyone else in the room shakes their head in helpless disapproval. Introducing Ritz Ultimate Butter, or as I like to call them… Even Ritzer Ritz.

Ritz Ultimate Butter Crackers

Even Ritzer Ritz

When I think of the Ritz cracker, I think of but one thing: butter. Their butteriness is the defining feature that sets them apart (and ahead) of the more-commonly used saltine cracker. There are many flavor variants of the Ritz cracker on shelves as I write this. Each of them still contain the classic buttery flavor that defines the cracker. I never, ever thought we would get butter-flavored Ritz butter crackers, but here we are. Why?

Ritz Ultimate Butter Crackers

Here’s the hilarious thing about Ritz Ultimate Butter Crackers… they don’t contain any butter whatsoever. These crackers are artificially flavored, and you’ll know that as soon as you open your fresh stack. It smells a lot like you just stuck your face into your movie-theater bag of popcorn, but less inviting and a little saltier. As I held one closer to my face, the funky scent amplified. I reluctantly bit into one… Ew ew ew no, why? It tastes like a regular Ritz but with “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter!” spread all over it. More like “I Wish It Weren’t Butter!” Oh wait, it’s not. It’s fake. It’s crap. I hate these.

Ritz Ultimate Butter Crackers

🙁

Ugh. My God, you guys. I had a second one because the review must go on. The fake butter flavor lingers and overpowers the saltiness that I love about a regular Ritz. These are horribly unbalanced crackers. What would I want to eat these with? Nothing. The package suggests creating a few different “Ritzwiches” by sandwiching some strange items between two Ritz Ultimate Butter crackers. Their suggestions are Steak & Potato, Corn-on-the-Cob, and Caramel Corn. WHAT IS GOING ON? Those are all TERRIBLE suggestions!  I mean, I still like the light & flaky crispiness to these crackers, but that’s about it. What’s worse… there are 8 fresh stacks of 13 crackers each in this box. I have 102 miserable Ritz Ultimate Butter crackers left.

If you’re really desperate to try these, please drop me a line in the comments. The first 102 people to respond will receive one cracker in the mail. Joke’s on you guys…

How Many People Read This Blog Rating: Less Than 102 out of 10
More Like Ultimate Butt Rating: 9 out of 10
Overall Rating: 3.5 out of 10

Fellow junk foodies at Snack Cellar reviewed these crackers too! Find out how much they hated them by checking out their review here: Review via Snack Cellar

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4 Responses

  1. Anonymous says:

    These to me were actually good. It actually tasted like real butter to me, even though they were artificially flavored. Also, since there are 13 in a fresh stack, did you know that 13 is usually an unlucky number in the US?

    • Junk Male says:

      Well I’m certainly glad you enjoyed them more than I did, because I did not at all. To me, that “butter” flavor is true in that it tastes like I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter or the stuff they squirt onto your movie theater popcorn. It just doesn’t work as a marriage with this cracker, for me. I thought 13 was a peculiar choice to include per stack, and now I fear something bad will happen to me in the near future.

  2. Marc P says:

    On deck…. more goldfish-y shaped goldfish?

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