Before I get to the review of Thomas’ Banana Bread English Muffins, I need to take care of some business.

Dear Maple French Toast English Muffins,

It pains me to do this.
You’ve been so good to me.
Too good to me.
My love for you is strong.
Like poison.
I’ve lost sight of me, because of you.
I forgot how to nourish myself with anything but maple french toast.
I can’t live like this any longer.
I need a fresh start.
Maple French Toast…it’s not you, it’s me.

– Junk Banter

Seriously, guys. It’s reached absurd levels. I’ve been living in fear of the day when Thomas’ Maple French Toast English Muffins and Bagels would no longer be on shelves, but now I’m ready to move on. I’ve got multiple packages tucked away in the freezer, like a crazy woman who freezes the sperm of every ex she’s ever had in case she never finds a better option. Well, today I begin searching for that better option. Introducing Thomas’ Banana Bread English Muffins!

Thomas' Banana Bread English Muffins

Thomas’ Banana Bread English Muffins

Ok, while these don’t stand a chance, I’m decently optimistic these can be good. Thomas’ Banana Bread English Muffins aren’t brand new – they’ve been a featured seasonal since 2013. I’m pretty sure I tried them when they first came out – seems like something I’d do, because I’m quite fond of banana bread. They occupy a “positive” space in my brain, but I can’t recall the details. That doesn’t bode well for beating Maple French Toast, but maybe I need to return to something familiar. Let’s reacquaint.

When you open the package, Thomas’ Banana Bread English Muffins just smell like bananas from afar. If you stick your nose inside the crack like a pervert, they actually do smell like banana bread. But I’m not going to bother with them until they’re toasted because I’m no rookie.

Option 1: I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter. The spray kind, because I need to watch my figure.

Thomas' Banana Bread English Muffins

First things first, toasting didn’t fill the kitchen with the same “God Bless America” smell as the Maple French Toast Muffins. I had to stick my face up against the scorching hot toaster to get some banana bread scent. My first bite was a burnt section, so don’t do that. Even this bite had some Late Onset Banana flavor that quickly built once I got through the char. I switched over to a more skillfully toasted muffin and the flavor of banana bread comes through instantly with every bite. Thomas’ Banana Bread English Muffins are made with real bananas; you’ll pick up on that right away. I really like the balance here. The muffins aren’t anywhere near as sweet as banana bread, and the flavor is understandably more doughy. But this is fine, because they’re still supposed to be English muffins. Butter is naturally a strong complement for banana bread. What else is good with bananas? Peanut butter, our Option 2:

Thomas' Banana Bread English Muffins

I didn’t have any regular peanut butter, but I have a shit ton of weird ones. I went with Jif Maple Peanut Butter, but it doesn’t matter which one you choose. I promise. Because peanut butter is an amazing match for Thomas’s Banana Bread English Muffins. I can’t explain the science, but the flavor of the banana popped even more up against peanut butter. The combination is a harmonious one. The flavor of the peanut butter will take it further away from banana bread, but do it anyway. Trust me. But I’m sad to report that the choice of Maple peanut butter unleashed the demon. My 3rd topping? Thomas’ Maple French Toast English Muffins.

Thomas' Banana Bread English Muffins

Holy shit. This is incredible, and it has nothing to do with the Banana Bread English Muffins. It just reminded me that no English Muffin will ever be as good as Thomas’s Maple French Toast English Muffins. I give up. Where’s that sperm?

What Gwen Stefani Would Think About These Muffins Rating: B-A-N-A-N-A-S out of 10
Odds I Ever Figure Out How To Breed English Muffins Rating: 0.5 out of 10
Overall Rating: 8 out of 10

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2 Responses

  1. Jan Michael Sauer says:

    I just tried one of these slathered with butter and I agree with your rating. My package had a mild banana scent and taste though. The 3:30 AM munchies are making me think about another one with peanut butter maybe. I gotta try the maple version after reading Drunk Female’s ( I miss her writing) review. The Boca Burger sounds like a good idea too (?) I gotta try these with hot coffee for breakfast. Sometimes I think the toaster is calling me. Do machines make people fat I wonder ? Or is it those bloggers writing those junk food reviews ?

    • Junk Male says:

      Long time no see, Jan! See, it’s interesting. My package had a huge banana scent, but didn’t smell like bananas when toasting the way MFT did. When eating, it wasn’t a huge banana flavor but I thought it was definitely there and definitely worked as a more natural complement than most other flavors (cranberry, the lemon blueberry bagels, etc.) Must try with peanut butter. This circles back to us getting you fat.

      Trust me, I miss Drunk Female’s writing dearly. She has some other priorities right now, and we all hope she blessed us with her re-appearance some day. Her reviews are the best.