Every man has his rules. One of mine is that I will not drink soda. Too much sugar. However, I also have this terrific rule that I must eat every single Pop Tart that’s ever released. So while YOU probably puked all over your computer screen when you read the title, I’m pretty darn excited to try the new Kellogg’s Frosted Crush Orange Pop Tarts!

Kellogg's Frosted Crush Orange Pop Tarts

Kellogg’s Frosted Crush Orange Pop Tarts

Kellogg’s recently announced that they completely forgot what is food and what is drink. Right after releasing the curious Frosted Pink Lemonade Pop Tarts, they revealed the long-rumored Kellogg’s Frosted Crush Orange Pop Tarts and Kellogg’s Frosted A&W Root Beer Pop Tarts. I was so excited to drink eat soda for the first time since I was 7 years old, the same year I starred as Willy in Free Willy, that I bought the Value Pack of each Pop Tart. 32 Pop Tarts, but I won’t drink a single glass of soda. #RulesAreRules.

Kellogg's Frosted Crush Orange Pop Tarts

I chose to start with the Kellogg’s Frosted Crush Orange Pop Tarts because fruit is good for you I think. I bit into the Pop Tart and I instantly regretted every decision I’ve made in the last year. You know how flat soda is terrible? So are Kellogg’s Frosted Crush Orange Pop Tarts. Oh my God, I hate these.

Kellogg’s Frosted Crush Orange Pop Tarts are so bitter that my face actually puckered on one bite. With many Pop Tarts, the floury pastry blocks some of the finer qualities of the filling inside. With Kellogg’s Frosted Crush Orange Pop Tarts, the opposite is true. The filling is so tart and poignant that I forgot I was eating a Pop Tart. I thought I was chewing on those sugared orange slice candies that I absolutely hate. Not the sweet jelly slice ones, but these awful things. It’s got some of the spices that sodas have, but not nearly enough of the sweetness. The bland pastry isn’t helping. This is flat, sour garbage.

Kellogg's Frosted Orange Crush Poptarts

Can toaster magic save the day again?

You can’t ever rule out a Pop Tart until you’ve toasted it, but go ahead and rule out the Kellogg’s Frosted Crush Orange Pop Tarts. Toasting didn’t fix it. What once tasted like those jelly candies now tasted like the warm glaze on orange chicken. Wrap your head around that one. At least now I tasted some of the pastry as its flavor becomes more well-rounded when heated. But I didn’t want Kellogg’s Frosted Chinese Food Pop Tarts, so I’m good. #SwipeLeft. I gave the rest to my roommate, and she confirmed that these blow. The flavor of the filling simply does not belong in a Pop Tart. I suppose it’s been a while since I had a glass of Orange Crush, but if this is what soda tastes like… my soda rule is a good one.

In summary, I didn’t do anything to deserve this.

How Good I Was In Free Willy Rating: 8 out of 10
How Good Chinese Food and Pop Tarts Go Together Rating: 2 out of 10
Overall Rating: 3 out of 10

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3 Responses

  1. Jess (the baltimore one) says:

    The real question is what are you going to do with the other 15? Put them in the garbage where they belong or do the whole “HERE TRY THIS” and enjoy the looks of horror on loved ones’ faces when they take the first bite?

    • Junk Banter says:

      It was silly of you to imply that that I only ate one, despite me hating them. But I will not be finishing; the vultures in the office will take care of them no matter how disgusted they are.

  2. Anonymous says:

    I will stay off these orange ones. But I am actually interested in trying the root beer ones…