REVIEW: Hershey’s Kisses Birthday Cake

Happy 109th Birthday, Hershey’s! I’d kiss you but you’re 109 and that’s gross!

Hershey's Kisses Birthday Cake

Hershey’s Kisses Birthday Cake

Hershey’s, apparently not confident it would make it to 110, is celebrating its 109th birthday in the grandest of fashions. They’ve released a new flavor of their iconic Kisses perfect for the occasion – Hershey’s Kisses Birthday Cake.

Hershey’s Kisses Birthday Cake is a variety that probably should have been released for Hershey’s 105th birthday in 2012. That’s about when the whole birthday cake trend began to gain some serious traction. But better late to the party than never, right?

Hopefully they brought some beer too because we’re running awfully low.

It’s becoming increasingly evident that the birthday cake trend will never go away. When Airheads celebrated their 30th with a birthday cake flavor earlier this year, I knew we were in for the long haul. There’s always someone to celebrate; literally every day of the year is over 19 million people’s birthday with the exception of those dumbasses born on February 29th. If you’re one of those sorry souls, you don’t’ get to try these until 2020.

Hershey's Kisses Birthday Cake

One Kiss every four years.

Hershey’s Kisses Birthday Cake are made with white chocolate, bits of colored cookies, and birthday cake flavor. They’re sold exclusively at Walmart, and even more exclusively in the Celebration or Party aisle. No, that’s not the Oreo aisle; it’s the one with all the greeting cards and pinatas and Dora the Explorers.

You’ll smell cake frosting as soon as you tear into the package. Not a bad way to start your birthday. Within each shiny blue, multi-colored polka-dotted wrapper is something resembling the tits of a unicorn. These pointy white candies contain colored cookies that you can see with the naked eye and hopefully your entire naked body if you’re already wearing your birthday suit.

It's Hershey's birthday; not yours, pervert.

It’s Hershey’s birthday; not yours, pervert.

Hershey’s Kisses Birthday Cake are certainly something worth celebrating. They’re very easy to describe: they taste like the Hershey’s Cookies & Creme bar but with more of a vanilla frosting flavor than a straight white chocolate one. The initial likeness to the cookies & cream bar would have been disappointing had it not given way to a more tangy buttercream flavor by the end of the chew. The cookies are massive and plentiful. I’ve never had birthday cake this crunchy, but it helps deliver a textural contrast that sprinkles offer to cake.

Yeah, maybe Hershey’s played it a little safe on their 109th birthday. But you can’t really take too many chances when you’re 109. It’s clear they’ve learned a thing or two after making candy for 108 years. This is a simple, straightforward concept that’s executed very well.

In summary, Hershey’s got turnt on their 109th birthday.

Getting Cookie Wasted on Your Birthday Rating: 10 out of 10
Odds Hershey’s Makes it to 110 Rating: 2 out of 10
Overall Rating: 8.5 out of 10

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2 Responses

  1. Jim says:

    Score for Hershey’s chances of making it to 110 seem a little low. Unless you know something we don’t, I feel like they’re not going to go out of business anytime soon. Do you have some insider tips you’d like to share?

    • Junk Male says:

      I view their over-the-top celebration for the arbitrary 109 as a sign that they got some really bad news from their doctor. I’m also not smart.

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