REVIEW: Great Value Stuffed Donut Bites (Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough)
Surely you’ve played Fantasy Donut before. You know, that game where you sit around by yourself and imagine all the crazy things that you would stuff inside of donuts if you owned your own donut shop, knew anything about baking, and were generally a more successful human being?
Well, have you ever imagined stuffing a donut INSIDE of something else?! ?
Probably not, because this product definitely shouldn’t exist. Any time you see the words “Great Value” and “Donut” anywhere near each other, you should be very, very worried.
But yet here we are, staring face-to-face with Great Value Stuffed Donut Bites on a cold, lonely evening.
Great Value Stuffed Donut Bites come in three flavors: this here Cookie Dough, Chocolate Peanut Butter Cups, and Chocolate Caramel with Peanuts.
I only bought Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough because I do have an infinitesimal shred of self-respect remaining.
Great Value Stuffed Donut Bites require practically no effort at all. Here’s how it works: 20 seconds in the microwave or 15 minutes in the oven. If you’re the type of person to buy something called “stuffed donut bites” at Walmart, you probably don’t fancy any of that oven, gourmet bullshit. You stick your balls right into the microwave and you cry.
20 seconds later, the directions tell you to spread icing on top of your balls. They never tell you to heat up the icing, so just enjoy it freezing cold. I sampled some and it tastes like a combination of cream cheese, boston cream donut filling, and exactly what I imagine Elmer’s glue tastes like. It’s that last part that’s a little unnerving.
Turns out the Stuffed Donut Bites themselves are nearly as cold. Twenty seconds in MY microwave didn’t do shit to the outside.
When I took a bite, I was greeted with one of the most disturbing sounds that I won’t soon forget. The donut bite erupted in the same fashion an abscess would on a medical table under appropriate pressure from a doctor that wants you out of that office immediately. Jesus.
Let’s cover the good, of which there is very little. The inside of the Great Value Stuffed Donut Bite actually does taste of cookie dough. There were two different fluids inside (let’s call them “puss”): one chocolate puss and one mysterious tan puss. The chocolate puss is fudge-y and sweet. The mysterious tan puss is buttery, a little salted, and has a brown sugar sweetness that did remind me of a cookie base. Together, the infection tasted decently of cookie dough.
The gigantic, impossible-to-ignore problem is the “bite” itself. The outside tastes like Great Value homestyle biscuit dough would if you were to open it straight from the package and bake it for approximately 2 seconds. It tastes raw, cold, floury, lifeless, and nauseating. And its texture? Gummy.
Wanting/needing something better at this point, I preheated the oven and baked a second batch for 15 minutes. I followed the instructions to a T.
Welp, outpoured the filling, and then it baked itself into a chocolate chip cookie. I guess this shit really is cookie dough. The cookie vomit tasted quite good – like a cookie!
But that left me with some crunchy donut balls without any of the good stuff left. Baking definitely improved its flavor, but not enough – not enough at all. The gumminess was gone but the floury garbage taste remained.
In summary, don’t buy these unless you hate yourself. And even then…
How Good I Am At “Fantasy Donut” Rating: 9 out of 10
How Good Walmart Is At Donut-Related Anything Rating: 3 out of 10
Overall Rating: 3.5 out of 10
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