Let’s call 2016 a bad year for democracy all-around.
Months before the U.S. presidential election in November, a much more important election was held. The stakes couldn’t have been higher as America was invited to vote for the next Walmart-exclusive limited edition Oreo for 2017. The nominees, their campaign slogans, and their prior job experience appear below:
- Cookies & Creme Oreos: “Be exactly what you are.” Previous terms: 2013, 2015.
- Caramel Apple Oreos: “Fall for something familiar.” Previous terms: 2014, 2015.
- Jelly Donut Oreos: “Surely I will win this bitch.” Previous terms: Never.
This contest was basically designed to introduce Jelly Donut Oreos to America. Nabisco even made up prototypes of the Jelly Donut Oreo for Buzzfeed and they looked glorious.
But instead, America reached a new low when it elected Cookies & Creme Oreos. Given the option for BRAND NEW DONUT-FLAVORED OREOS, we chose Oreo-flavored Oreos that have been released several times before. The same people that voted for these probably enjoy pizza crust as a pizza topping, orange slices soaked in orange juice, and bread sandwiches.
What is wrong with you people?
So how do I even explain this? Nabisco Cookies & Creme Oreos take the classic Oreo, the literal definition of “cookies & creme”, and adds a “cookies & creme” flavored creme to the cookies & creme sandwich cookie. Scratching your head yet?
Well, stop it. You did this to yourself and you must now live with your mistake.
What the hell do you want me to say, guys? Of course these taste good, because they taste like Oreos. To the naked mouth, you won’t taste any difference from your current understanding of a regular Oreo. The chocolate cookies are slightly bitter and the creme is sweet and vanilla-flavored. It’s as if someone took Oreo crumbs and dumped them into the regular creme. There’s a fine grit to the cookies crumbs within the creme but they aren’t like chunks of cookie pieces. This textural quality will be completely lost when YOU’RE CHOMPING THROUGH THE TWO COOKIES THAT SURROUND IT.
In the interest of science, I lined these up against regular Oreos for a direct side-by-side:
Turns out that careful scrutiny and an advanced palate seasoned by several years of junk food reviews reveal a tiny difference. The vanilla creme pops a little bit more in the classic Oreo. It finishes with a smooth vanilla where the Cookies & Creme Oreo favors the chocolate cookie part. But isn’t that confusing with the theme? The package shows cookies & creme ICE CREAM. To achieve something akin to the ice cream, you would expect a more prominent and well-rounded vanilla. Most people actually prefer the Double Stuf Oreo, which has MORE creme! Nobody would ever seek out the “Less-Than-Full Stuf” Oreo, but that’s kind of what this is.
Still, we’re talking at the margins. These taste like Oreos, and you can’t even be mad because that’s what they claim to be. Plus you voted for them, ya dummies. If you ever want regular Oreos but are thinking “Man, I’m feeling kind of stupid today,” these may be the perfect Oreo for you.
Thankfully, Jelly Donut Oreos will release later this summer because there is God who protects us from ourselves.
How Much Faith I Lost In Humanity Rating: 9 out of 10
“Make Oreos Great Again” Rating: 10 out of 10
Overall Rating: 7.5 out of 10
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