I absolutely love when companies just give up on trying to creatively name their newest products. Take Nerds Bumpy Jelly Beans, for example. You can practically taste the marketing team’s complete and utter disinterest in each bumpy bite. I feel like Marketing Guy #1 commented, “These jelly beans look bumpy,” and Marketing Guy #2 said, “Well gentlemen, I think we’re done here.”

Not to be outdone, Hersey has released my new favorite “who gives a shit” candy names: Reese’s Crunchers, Hershey’s Cookies ‘N’ Creme Crunchers, and – more recently – new Hershey’s S’mores Crunchers.

I don’t expect these new releases to be anything groundbreaking, so I’m combining them into one review. They all share the dubious “Crunchers” title, which tells me that I should likely expect the same candy I’m used to with some playful textures thrown in.

The Reese’s Crunchers can go first, because Reese’s is a god amongst candy and shall not be kept waiting.

Reese’s Crunchers is a mix of “mini peanut butter chips, puffs, and peanuts covered in milk chocolate.” The bag smells like straight-up Reese’s which is always a plus. The taste is definitely good, too (of course it is). But instead of a strong Reese’s peanut butter presence, I’m mostly getting smooth chocolate and puff crispies with peanut butter playing quietly in the background. There’s definitely something a little lacking here. The peanuts are there but they’re diced up into itty bitty pieces that I can’t even identify within the cluster.

These Reese’s Crunchers are most successful from a texture standpoint – they’ll have you crunching and chomping away like there’s no tomorrow. But they did leave me craving more peanut butter flavor. It’s a fun snack that isn’t an improvement upon or even equivalent to the original. They’re also not very visually appealing. They look like you’ve already eaten them, if you know what I mean. (They look like shit.)

Visual Rating: 2 out of 10
Visual Rating If The Goal Was To Look As Gross As Possible: 10 out of 10
Overall Rating: 7 out of 10

Now, onto Hershey’s Cookies ‘N’ Creme Crunchers.

I think the graham cracker cruncher was a superb choice: it brings in another flavor that pairs very well with the white and milk chocolates, and it’s a much more satisfying crunch than the rice puffs in Reese’s. The graham adds a much needed balance to the typical sweetness of Hershey’s Cookies ‘N’ Creme bars, and that texture is just spot on. They taste like a hybrid of the candy bar and those vanilla sugar wafer cookies.

Even if you’re not typically a white chocolate fan, give Hershey’s Cookies ‘N’ Creme Crunchers a shot. They’re delicious, and don’t look too much like poop.

Lameness of the Name “Crunchers” Rating: 9 out of 10
How Much Better My Candy Bar Names Would Be Rating: 0 out of 10
Overall Rating: 8 out of 10

Unfortunately, the Hershey’s S’mores Crunchers do look like crunchy diarrhea.

They taste better thankfully. For those pining for the return of Hershey’s S’mores candy bars, this might be as close as you get for a long, long time. The graham flavor is intense, and that that classic Hershey’s chocolate is an appropriate pairing considering it’s the staple chocolate bar for any campfire s’mores.

Unfortunately, though, ratios are where this suffers. The marshmallow just isn’t represented enough by those tiny mini marshmallow morsels. The result is something that points in the right direction, but the graham coupled with the traditionally bitter Hershey’s milk chocolate lands less satisfying than you’d hope. A creamy marshmallow sweetness would do wonders, which is precisely why we need that Hershey’s S’mores bar back with its thick ass fluffy filling.

How Much I Miss the S’mores Candy Bar: 8 out of 10
Crunchy Diarrhea Rating: 6.5 out of 10, apparently.
Overall Rating: 6 out of 10

If all this poop talk hasn’t ruined your appetite yet, I’d like to offer that all three Crunchers make for great ice cream toppers. Just like hot fudge… the warm and wet kind.

Chocolate = poop.

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